Yesterday was just that, the best day ever. I had the day off work so was able to sleep in for a little while. Got a call from Boy 1 as he was getting ready for school. He was wondering what time I would get there and if I was going to be able to spend time in his class as well. Of course I could.
I showed up at the school, had breakfast with Boy2’s class, went and played in the gym with them, went back to the classroom, made ‘volcanoes’ with his classmates, sat in on story time and then it was time to head to Boy1’s class.
When I entered the class he was just finishing up his math work so I sat on the floor with him and his partner while they finished up. It was then time for math books (individual work at their desks) so I sat beside him for that. When we were finished his math sheet we finished reading his book (Season of the Sanstorm). Then it was time for bathroom/water break and then…best part of the day, Brain Break. The teacher has a ton of silly litlte videos that are little physical activites that the class gets up and does to give their brains a break when they transition between subjects. We danced a silly dance with a frog…awesome fun.
The next activity was writing out the final copy of his report. I had his “sloppy copy” and read it to him as he wrote the final draft. When we were finished, we headed to the library to take a test on the book we had finished (90%). Then it was lunchtime. I ate with his class and when they went outside for recess I went back to Boy2’s class.
I could NOT have timed my trip back to that class any better if I had tried…it was NAP TIME!! He got me the mat of a child who was not in class that day, and that child’s blanket, put our mats together and we cuddled up for a rest…perfect beyond prefection.
I went back to Boy1’s class before the end of the day, we had some reading time and then it was story time.
After school the boys came ‘home’ with me. We got to my hotel room, Boy1 played the game on Facebook he enjoys while Boy2 and I cuddled up and watched Sponge Bob. We were waiting to go to my girlfriend’s house until they were finished eating supper and the boys were super excited to be going over there. It is one or their ‘safe zones’ right now. The divorce is a non-issue at this house. They can just be kids. School is another safe zone for them. Thankfully they have these places where they can just be kids.
I do my best to also make my home like that for them as well. We don’t discuss the divorce, or thier dad unless they bring it up. Yesterday Boy1 was asking why people have to get divorced. I said nobody is ever forced to get a divorce, it is a choice that is made. We had been talking about a friend of mine and his daughter and their visitation schedule and Boy1 asked how long her parents were divorced and I siad they had never been married, they just stopped living together. He asked if people could just stop living together when they were married. I said it was possible. He then asked why his dad and I didn’t just stop living together. I said Dad chose for us to get divorced, that is what dad wanted. He then asked, “Did you even ask Dad if you could just live apart?” I said that Dad didn’t want that option.
I never want to vilify their dad. I never want them to think I hate their dad or that they have to somehow feel a loyalty to one parent or the other. They get enough of that turmoil and uncertainty when they are with him. I do everything I can to encourage love and closeness with both parents. I can tell they understand that dynamic by the questions they ask and by their behaviour.
They are already starting to insist on time with me. When I first moved out they never asked to spend time with me, they rarely called, etc. Now, we talk nearly everyday, they are ‘telling’ their dad they want to spend time with me instead of asking and waiting for his excuses. They are already seeing the other side of their father and from my perspective it is extremely heartbreaking.
I was 15 years old when I realized I hated my biological dad…and it was the most heartbreaking time of my life. To realize I was the one, as a child, having to put forth the effort and realizing I was not going to do it anymore was difficult.
For these boys to be seeing that they are the ones holding their relationship with their dad together and what his real priorities are has to be so very hard. To realize at five and eight years old that you are no more than a pawn in a game, must be so confusing.
Thankfully I have given them to tools to verbalize their feelings, and they know they have the right to question authority…this is not going well for their dad. When you have an eight year old questioning your priorities and why they are going to a babysitter again when Mom is available and willing to take them…it’s not pretty.
I hope their dad can begin to see through his hate, anger, and rage to do good for our boys. They deserve their parents whole, not just a shell of a parent, or the perception of a parent. They need guidance, interaction, and endless love.
I will continue to provide the love and guidance I can. I will continue to be a part of their activities, their lives, thier school. My kids are my world…it’s their world, I’m just in it!