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My Path

I told you last week about my friend and I both looking for a church that fits our needs. Yesterday we attended the same church as last week. They finished up their “One Month to Live” sermon series yesterday and it talked about how will you leave, what will you leave behind, and living with no regrets.

As I look back over my life, I have no regrets. I’ve always said that. I also don’t hold grudges…I don’t have time to waste energy on grudges.

When I heard the sermon I just wanted to stand up and say…but I’m already there, I don’t hold any grudges, I have no regrets, I wouldn’t change anything…if I died right now, this very minute I am okay with that. I have been through some of the worst experiences in life and yet, here I am…happy. I am satisfied, I am full, I am free.

I am a silver lining kind of person, very rarely am I not able to find the positive in any situation. I see every perceived negative as an opportunity for growth. I say perceived negative because to me there are very few negatives in life.

I could look back on my life and see only negative:

  • parents divorced when I was young.
  • grew up in a blended family.
  • live with severe depression.
  • have been suicidal.
  • have been sober for nearly two years.
  • was abused.
  • have lost more babies to miscarriage than I’ve given birth to live.
  • am getting divorced.

That’s a pretty shitty list to look at if you only see the negatives. I see so much more than that:

  • I see that my my mom was blessed with my brother who has Down’s Syndrome when I was three and she was already a single parent to three children.
  • I see that “we” married my step-dad and added three more kids to the mix. There was no such thing as “half-brother” or “half-sister” in our house. I remember being offended when somebody would say, “Well, he’s only your half-brother.”
  • I have learned that I am stronger than my brain tries to convince me I am.
  • I am able to reach others in pain.
  • I give a speech about early recovery and relapse prevention to an inpatient group every 5 weeks.
  • I can help others get through the pain and turmoil of abuse and to move forward in their own healing.
  • Each of my babies was meant to be on earth for exactly as long as they were…that’s for another post.
  • I am seeing people for what they are, finding out who my true friends are, discovering more about myself that I never knew.

None of these things are bad things, they are all experiences for growth. I posted on a social media site the other day that I know we grow through suffering and that I will be ten feet tall and bullet proof by summer time at this rate…


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