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And so it Goes

I can picture the rapids under the bridge back home. As a child I was taught just how deadly these rapids were.

That’s how my heart feels right now…

I can physically feel each fiber of my heart tearing from itself. I can hear the break…an ice ridge on a cold lake back home.  As beautiful as the ice ridge looks…they are deadly. They are nearly invisible, and more often than not, they are discovered at a high rate of speed…

Today, I am admitting my daughter…my baby girl…into a mental health facility more than two hours from home. A great facility…but she is still my baby girl, and she is still going to be far from her mommy.

I know this is the right place for her, I know that they will take care of her, I know they will make my baby whole and she will be able to find happiness.

My faith is sustaining me…God is holding me; I know this because if I was on my own I would be nothing more than a puddle on the floor as I sit in this lobby waiting for her intake counselor and she reads over my shoulder.

I look strong, I look like a mama bear protecting her cub…I feel scared, sad, lost and secure. I know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the right thing for her. I know that as she tells me she hates me, she knows (even in this state she is in) that she loves me and that I love her.

That’s how we roll…love, deep, deep love; closer than spandex (her words…NOT mine). I love her more than skittles, more than chocolate milk, more than singing at the top of my lungs in the car (ok…that last one may be a little bit of an exaggeration).

We are both scared, we are both hopeful…we are both able to giggle at that last smart-ass comment. In the worst of the worst…we respect…we love…we will be okay.

My heart is in my throat (well it would be if Percy wasn’t taking up so much space). My stomach is in knots, if was socially acceptable I would puke…right here, right now. Nah, I wouldn’t; I can’t afford a new laptop and these floors are kinda nice. They need to be polished…buffed…something…and they would be easy to clean…no, I will not puke…I.WILL.NOT.PUKE.


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