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Strong

People are always telling me how strong I am. Today, I don’t feel so strong. I feel…well, I’m not even sure how I feel.

I’d like to feel numb, but I’m not built that way. Numb has never been a feeling I’m good at. I am much too emotional to even attempt to pull off numb.

Empty is how I describe when my heart has given all it has, and continues to give. I suppose you could describe it as emotional hypothermia…only vital areas receive attention…survival mode if you will.

It’s a struggle. I know my boys are having such a difficult time and hopefully now that I have a place to live we can settle into some sort of routine that is comfortable for us. I know that it will be a challenge for us all as they enjoy the newness of my situation still. It will be much less fun when there are chores, limits, rules, etc. Chores and such have been pretty much non-existent living in a hotel room.

Last night, after school the boys came home with me and I have been staying the last two nights with friends. It was Boy 2’s special night because he graduated from preschool yesterday so they ordered pizza for supper in his honor (that’s our story and we are sticking to it).

Boy 1 and their middle child are the same age. They are so much alike that when he argues with his mom I smile knowing I’m not crazy…it’s not just my kid who acts like that! Boy 1 is so comfortable at their house that when the x-box got taken away last night because they had been arguing, he asked the mom, “When do we get the x-box back.” I looked at her, she looked at me…WE…when do we WE get it back??? She and I just giggled and asked each other if he understands that he doesn’t live there…

This family took me in when I could no longer afford to stay at the motel where I was. I have spent the last two nights in their oldest son’s room. The first night I was there the middle son (same age as Boy 1) was giving me grief and just trying to be funny and the dad said, “Stop being mean to the company.” Middle Boy replied, “She’s not company, it’s just D.” THAT’S when you know you are exactly where you belong…or that you spend too much time there…I’ll believe the former.

I can never re-pay this family for all they have done for me. They have helped me to hold it all together when I felt like falling apart. They treat me the same now as they did when I wasn’t homeless.

The mom and I often joke that her place is like a homeless shelter. There are always random kids at their house and some of them spend more time at this house than they do at their own. On Tuesday night I posted on my Facebook status, “I can no longer laugh at *husband and wife’s* homeless shelter…it’s not funny anymore.”

Anyway…back to my original thought about being strong…

I sure as hell don’t feel strong today. I feel broken, alone, scared, shame…

… and I just decided, that’s okay. I SHOULD feel those things…this is TOUGH shit I’m dealing with. The fact that I am dealing with it, and not trying to pretend it’s not happening, is big.

I got my apartment keys last night and today after work I am going to buy an air mattress so I can spend my first night in my new place and not have to sleep on the floor…just to say I spent the night in my new place. I have a few dishes and such so I even have some unpacking to do, shouldn’t take long.

Hopefully I can get a table and chairs or something for next weekend when the boys come for their first visit…maybe a futon or something for a couch/bed. I know that whatever I have, or don’t have, we will be okay. We will make it work. It will be home and we will be together…that’s what is important.

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