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If I’m Dreaming…

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My baby girl…so broken, so scared…so brave. I took this picture as we waited for the intake worker at the hospital on Wednesday.

My heart hurts tonight…so much…so much. I want my baby well, I want her whole, I want her happy.

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

~from Les Miserables “I Dreamed a Dream”

Thankfully, I have not allowed life to kill the dream I dream. I still dream of growing old with a man who loves me for who I am, who gets me, who never wants me to be anything but my best. I dream of my children growing in to wonderful adults, partners, parents, grandparents. I dream they are able to find the happiness I thought I had. I pray every day that their happiness is a true happiness and not the illusion I was living in.

I keep thinking if I’m dreaming I wish somebody would wake me up…in reality though, I know that’s not what I want. We grow through our suffering. We change, we find our strength, we understand ourselves and hopefully we learn to understand others. We learn to accept ourselves at face value, no longer concerned about what others wish for us, or what others expect of us…just to be happy with being ourselves and understanding that we are exactly perfect just as we are.

God doesn’t make mistakes…I am perfectly as He planned me. I am living the life He set out before me, I am finally learning to live life on life’s terms and not my own.

Hang in there Miss B…mama’s right here, and I love you more than hockey…(well…maybe not MORE than hockey…) XOXO

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