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Where to Begin

So much to write about and feeling a little overwhelmed right now. It is obvious (and I have touched a little on this over the last few days) that my daughter learned nothing while she was in the hospital. While I am thankful they may have her meds figured out (or we may still be seeing the honeymoon phase) I am shocked that they released her.

The goal right now is to get her through graduation and then make some very tough decisions. Some of these decisions I am already having to make. For instance, this weekend our church is holding their “graduate brunch” for all the children from our congregation who will graduate high school this year. Of the three kids who are graduating, my daughter is the only one who attends church on a regular basis. I will not be attending this celebration.

On the two occasions I have spoken with my daughter since her release, she has proven that her attitude and outlook has not changed one bit. I am refusing to put myself in the line of fire for her to crap all over.

At first I thought I had to go…it was my duty to be there. I understand though that my duty is to take care of myself and being her psychological punching bag does not accomplish anything.

My second thought was, “what will people think?” Well guess what? I don’t care. They don’t know the details of our lives and if they have to make themselves feel better by judging my actions that is their energy to waste. I choose to not waste my time and energy based on others perception.

I am sad to be missing out on these events with my daughter, and am realistic enough to know that my vision of what I want the events to be and reality are two very different animals. Instead of a celebratory atmosphere, it would become one of chaos and turmoil.

The added stress of this on the boys is unbelievable…they harbor resentments and confusion, and hurts. They don’t understand why their sister talks like she does to me, and are fearful when she blows up. Removing myself from the situation all together is all I can do.

I refuse to love my child to death by enabling her behavior. Standing up to her illness is heart wrenching and necessary for her survival and growth. I know how the parents on the hit television show Intervention feel…this is not easy. She has options though, and we have to let her make her own choices and live with them.

My heart hurts. I have to refocus my thoughts so many times each day…and it’s not easy. This is my baby girl, my first born, my only biological daughter…my Bug.

Say a prayer for us all, we need them.

P.S. Here comes that ‘OMG I think I’m going to puke’ feeling all over again…


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