First, let me apologize for the many posts lately. There is so much going on that I find I am better to post them as they happen than to let them sit in my draft folder until they become irrelevant.
While driving home from Fargo last night, a song came on the radio that brought me to tears. Admittedly, I was close anyway and it didn’t take much.
…one day I thought I’d see her with her Daddy by her side
and violins would play
Here comes the Bride
Written by: Chris Sligh, Clint Lagerberg
Lyrics from <a href=”http://www.elyrics.net”>eLyrics.net</a>
All of a sudden it hit me that this illness has the power to kill my child. I suddenly had a vision of planning her funeral…it was so real that it took my breath away. I could see her casket, the church, the cemetery where my babies are buried; it was awful.
I could picture myself blaming my ex for not doing more to save her…yelling that HE killed my daughter. At this point, as long as he enables her…it is exactly what he is doing. I know he has made some changes, but they are not nearly enough as far as saving her life. I do not think he is able to come out of his own denial to see the gravity of the situation.
While I do everything I can to be the ‘tough love’ she needs, he gives her ‘one more chance.’ I wish he could see that even just one more chance may be one too many. She needs structure, guidance, supervision. These are not easy things to place on a young adult, but they are necessary. She does not have the brain of a young adult, more like a preteen (at best) and needs to be treated as such. Not to be controlled, but to be loved. He is loving her TO DEATH…death.
I do not want to plan my child’s funeral. I do not want to sit with my sons and explain to them why their sister is gone…they understand Heaven. We have four babies there.
Maybe I’m being overdramatic, maybe my lack of sleep lately is getting to me, maybe I’ve finally lost MY mind…surely nobody would be surprised with everything I have going on.