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Regrets

I have often said that I have no regrets. I wish people could understand how to let go of things they can’t change. That’s essentially what regrets are, they are choices or actions you wish you could take back…move forward, make changes, grow. Why be stuck in the past?

I have seen people, when faced with their own immortality, change…they do all the things they wished they had done, say all the things they never said.

I found out two days ago that my former mother-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer. Although I don’t have many details, my background and education in the medical field tells me it’s not good and she won’t be around for more than a year or so.

This is my first experience with an anticipated death in a long time. I am exploring my feelings surrounding this and these feelings are different than anything I’ve dealt with.

I’m not even a little bit sad or upset by her diagnosis. I do pray that she doesn’t suffer, not only for her sake, but mostly for the sake of my children. The last thing they need right now is to watch their grandmother die a slow and painful death. Although I have no affection for the woman, my boys do and I support that. I will be the first one to drive them to the hospital to see her, to encourage them to make her gifts and cards, to help them express their emotions surrounding her diagnosis and eventual death.

Learning of her diagnosis, I had a light bulb moment. My ex has been unusually accommodating this past week or so and I was wondering why. He is one who lives with so many regrets. It is not uncommon for him to only be able to see how things will affect him right now. I think he is being faced with his own immortality and it is scaring him. He is seeing that people do not live forever, that the decisions you make are ones that you maybe can’t take back.

I, on the other hand, see no need to change the way I do anything. If I found out tomorrow that my days were numbered…and I’m struggling to write this sentence…my days ARE numbered, all of our days are numbered, most of us just remain blissfully unaware of how many we actually have. So, with that knowledge…if I found out tomorrow I was dying or if I suddenly got a phone call that I lost a loved one, I’m ok with that.

That’s how I live though, I live like I’m dying because in reality we all are…none of us are going to get out of this alive. I love deeply, I forgive completely, I laugh often.

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