Every now and then I am filled with a feeling of deep sadness. I can feel my tears. They are in my eyes, my throat, my heart. They are begging to be allowed out. Screaming for release as I smile and answer the phone here at work, as I talk with co-workers about work related issues.
I am feeling so incredibly alone today. I want nothing more than to let the tears fall, to allow my body to be overcome with sobs so deep they leave me aching for days. It is a pain that no two people will ever feel in the same fashion. It is so private, so raw, so hard.
This, my friends, is grief. This is not a manifestation of my bipolar disorder or a show of my instability (as my ex is so quick to accuse).
Today, in less than an hour, I will leave work and head off to do a few mundane things that must get done before I head to my daughter’s Baccalaureate Ceremony. Thankfully I have a forty mile drive during which I can bawl like a ‘sissy girl’ and get it out of my system. Then, I have another forty miles to drive home and repeat the process.
If nothing else I’ll sleep like a rock tonight. Emotional stress is the absolute worst kind. It exhausts me.
Today…I will eat ice cream (Dean’s Chocolate Marshmallow, if you must know) and I will be comforted knowing that this too shall pass.