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How do I…

…I know things are exactly how they are supposed to be, and I am guilty of being weak in my faith. I need to find that rock…my solid foundation…and stand on it, remembering that where I am is where I should be.

Now if only it were that easy to erase these negative thoughts from my head. I am struggling with the lack of acceptable care my boys are receiving. All I can do is wait…and document, and pray.

How do I accept that my children spend more time with paid care givers than with their custodial parent? How do I understand why a parent would make false allegations and vilify the second parent of their children to gain custody only to pawn them off on anybody and everybody but the parent who so desperately wants to spend their time and attention on said children?

It is not easy…I never imagined it would be; I also never imagined it would be this difficult. I prayed that he would step up to the plate as a parent. I knew the chances were slim to none, but I held out hope for the sake of my kids…I still hold on to that hope and pray that he sees what they need and learns to provide it for them.

I’m sure part of why I am having such a difficult time is merely a manifestation of the grief process. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance; the five stages of grief. Apparently I am back in the denial/bargaining phase. I want to be able to change things I have no control over…my heart is in denial and my brain is bargaining with itself that I could and would do a much better job at parenting these kids.

Grief is often only discussed in matters of death. Rarely do people understand that any loss causes grieving and that divorce is a loss. It is the loss of hopes, dreams, plans. The uncomfortable thing about grief is that there is no time table and no set path to get through it. The fact that the path of grief often doubles back and makes you take some of the same steps over and over again is often overlooked.

I have accepted the divorce, in and of itself. I moved through the stages efficiently when it came to this aspect. Our marriage was over long before he filed any papers. I had been grieving the death of our relationship for a long time.

Custody is a whole separate issue. I still find myself in denial that this is real. This can’t be…how can the courts have made this decision with no supporting evidence of his lies and accusations. The fact that we still have trial to go through to make this a permanent decision lends itself to my continued denial and bargaining. Unfortunately it is my brain bargaining with my heart, because bargaining with their father is not an option. I have tried. I have asked for more time with the boys, he would rather they attend daycare than spend an extra minute with me because it may ‘look bad’ for him in court if they are spending ‘too much’ time with me.

The fact that he is making parenting time decisions based solely on how it may be perceived by the courts in regards to my time with the boys and not taking their needs into consideration, should speak volumes about his inability to encourage a loving relationship with their mom. When I had the kids full time, I encouraged them to call him, to spend time with him…they had contact with him at least for a few minutes everyday. 

All I can do is remember that where I am now is exactly where God says I should be. I need to come to terms with that today.

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