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Tears

They burn my cheek, they are so hot, so irritating to my wind burned skin. They are a fast moving river, they are killing me…they are more than just tears.

Nobody sees these tears as they are invisible. They are only on the inside. Sure, people can see that I am not myself, they can tell something is wrong. Some of them even have some idea of what it may be…but only one reaches out…places their hand on my shoulder, comforts me. The words I have to say thank you are inadequate…they sound as hollow as I feel.

I know I will get through this…I know I will…I.know.I.will. I have to.

So here I sit…in self-imposed silence and isolation. This is where I need to be right now. I’m okay…not right at this moment I’m not but I will be…right?

Where is the confidence that I so readily help others find in themselves, in their own lives? Why can’t I tell myself that in a couple hours it will be over…it will be forgotten, it won’t matter in the long run…

Because it matters right now…and I am in right now…the long run may never get here…and what if it doesn’t, then what. How will THIS shape the long run? My heart hurts right now…hurts…MOTHERFUCKINGHURTS.

There’s that feeling again…worse than normal. I cannot promise this time…

…that I will not puke.

P.S. I love you more than whipped cream on Clayton Stoner…

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