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Now What

Last night it hit me…my boys could be returning to their other home in another day or two…then what? What am I supposed to do?

I was so distraught in the middle of the night last night I could not stop the tears…4:00am and I’m crying my eyes out…my heart breaking for what these boys have already been through and the turmoil they face in the days and weeks ahead. Kids deserve and need stability. They are not getting that at their other home.

My heart is broken with anticipatory grieving…their going back to their other home will be felt in every aspect of my life…getting up, after work, making supper, going to bed, laundry, going pee alone, showering without interruption, grocery shopping, watching TV, using my laptop without a child hovering patiently waiting for his turn…every aspect. HAHA…patiently; that’s funny.

Yes, I know they will be back…but I’ve had them, and nurtured them, and been there for them. These kids have been my world since the moment they were conceived. Right now I feel as if they are ripped from my body, my heart…yet I know they are always with me, and I with them.

It’s going to be a bumpy ride this next few days…buckle up…and pray.

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3 thoughts on “Now What

  1. One of the biggest things my therapist reinterated was the fact that if I’m ok. My kids are too. Even if I had to fake it to make it.
    They will never stop feeding off our energy consciously or not. That’s why your positive unending love and acceptance is intoxicating to them.
    Putting on the brave face of joy in the midst of adversity is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
    But I’m here to tell you. !! My kids know the difference. And they ALWAYS know that no matter what they can come to me. I will not judge them and I will ALWAYS love them unconditionally with all my heart. !!
    You are allowed to grieve and feel and mourn. But those boys will never love anyone the way they love you.
    Your strength WILL carry them through.
    I feel your pain !! But the path you’re on is so much better for them in the long run. They will learn from You !!
    HUGS !!!!!

    • Thank you…I do a lot of fake it until I make it. I am also ‘mom enough’ to let them see me cry when I can’t take any more and am honest that this is still hard on me…they understand that.
      Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. They mean more than you know.

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