Recently when asked how the boys are coping I find myself telling people they are raw. The first time I said this I wasn’t sure where it came from. Last night it hit me.
When I picked up the boys from The Friend on Sunday they were tired. They had stayed up late the night before playing outside with water guns, cooked hot dogs and marshmallows over a fire…they had played hard.
When we got home, B2 was having a meltdown over every thing. As I always have, I tried to get him to ‘use his words’ to tell me what was making him cry. He kept crying, I asked if he just needed a hard cry to feel better, his answer was no.
After about five minutes of trying to console/understand him he finally blurted out, “I just can’t handle it anymore!” My poor baby boy was broken, he’d reached his limit, and I was at a loss.
We tried to put words to what “it” was that he couldn’t handle but he wasn’t ready to go there yet. He still hasn’t been able to. What he has been able to do, is say, “Mom, can you hold me and catch my tears? I don’t like it when they fall on my legs.”
This child is FIVE YEARS OLD.
In my opinion, and take it for what it’s worth, what this child cannot handle is the fact that he is not at home. He cannot handle the fact that he has not seen his father in two weeks. He cannot handle, yet at some level understands, that he is less important than somebody else in his father’s life.
When you are five, it is all about YOU…nobody else matters, no body else exists outside of you yet…you are starting to see others as separate, yet your primary caregiver is still supposed to be YOU-focused. B2 lost this vision and it’s killing him. He doesn’t want to (or can’t) put it back on me because he knows he will be going back ‘home’ when his dad returns. Kids can’t flip-flop their rock of stability without much difficulty. Maybe…MAYBE that’s what he can’t handle…his brain knows Mom is right there and would give anything for him, his heart is telling him, “yes, but dad said he’d be back.”
I can’t rationalize this…no wonder my five year old is struggling. Hang in there Bum…Mom’s right here…and I will always catch your tears…