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Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones may break my bones…

But words cause wounds that may never heal, they leave scars that nobody can see except for those who see inside me…those who dare look into my heart, my soul…they see that words HAVE hurt, have wounded, have changed me.

I can’t stop crying today…every time I turn around, the hurt returns…standing in church, singing about God’s mercy and grace…and I am in tears…sitting beside The Friend’s eight year old boy T (same age as B1), and I am doing everything in my power to not wrap this child in my arms because not only do I love him to bits and pieces, his presence SCREAMS that my boys are not with me.

I had decided on Friday that I had three days to return to the living…

Day 1: Retreat. I cried myself to sleep, didn’t leave the apartment after the boys left , and just felt like shit all day. Cried some more…ate Little Debbie Swiss Rolls (my self-pity food).

Day 2: Recoup. Slept, ate, showered, and not much else.

Day 3: Rejoin. The plan was to rejoin life today. I thought church would be a great start. A safe place, a peaceful place. It was a great service (the youth ministry is in charge of the service when it is the fifth Sunday in a month). They done good!! It was interesting how they used the scripture today. I had another take that could also make a wonderful lesson…I’ll share that when I am done with this post.

The Friend saw in the announcements that the church is looking for volunteers to make meals for families with new babies, deaths, etc. and suggested we should do that. I said we could make beef stroganoff…she said, “you can make it, I’ll boil the noodles.” LOL Then she said she could make bread…homemade bread and beef stroganoff…YUM!!!

On this day, when I am doing everything I can to rejoin the real world (I return to work tomorrow after a week off as well), my heart is hurting and I am working so hard at letting it go.

Yesterday, Mr. Ex put this as his Facebook status:

Well not only is it a bad day because I had to send mom back to Rochester, but as I am going through my mail from the time I was gone, I find a letter stating that a certain individual is attempting to use the fact that I spent the last 26 days at my mothers side while battling cancer.  
Say and do what you will, but wouldn’t do it different even if I knew this was coming.  I just pray you never have to go through the same experience with one of your parents! However, if you do, I bet you do the same thing!!!!
 This is over the top!!!  Couldn’t help but spew!!!!

This is not uncommon for him to tie me to the stake in this fashion. You’d think I’d be used to it…water off a duck’s back, right?? People are smart enough to see his rant as unproductive and not in the best interests of our kids, right? People are smart enough AND brave enough to tell him that bashing me on facebook is detrimental to our children…that it will have an effect on their lives as people outside of our marriage become entangled in a fight that is not theirs to fight. SOMEBODY will tell him that allowing our older children to watch him disembowel me in a public forum will forever damage relationships and nobody wins…SOMEBODY will stick up for me…right???

Instead…his friends start the bashing right along side of him…

it takes a ballsy person or should I say a retarded person with no fucking heart to use something like that against u for being there for the one that brought u into this world…..and standing by her side through thick and thin just remember we will always back u in this household and it will never change especially after a fucking stunt like this BULLSHIT…….

This from a person who has two children in class with B2…who both boys spend time with…really? This is NOT going to affect our boys?? Are you SURE?

One person who is a friend made a comment ONLY about praying for his mom. I sent her the following message PRIVATELY:

just wanted to let you know that I am not using the fact that he was in rochester with his mom…I only mentioned to the judge the fact that he had no problem leaving the boys with me for 26 days after begging the court for custody because I am an unfit mother…

he can’t be so afraid for their safety in my care and then dump them on my door step for a month…while he spends his weekends golfing with his brother…he could have had the boys go to visit him and chose to not allow them to…
All this from the man who had no issue using my diary’s from when I was in treatment to gain custody in the first place…
 
Yes…he did that. I admitted myself to a mental health facility two years ago with a severe episode of depression. When I returned home, he took my diaries and not only shared them with his friends and family, admitted them to court to show my ‘instability’ as a mother. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I may have been sick, but damnit, it was ME who drove myself almost three hours from home and followed my treatment plan TO THE LETTER to get myself better and return home. Nearly TWO YEARS LATER, he uses stuff I wrote when I was in my deepest darkest place…as if I was still there in that dark hole…and the judge (whom I choose to believe erred on the side of caution for the sake of my children) bought it all…hook, line, and sinker…speaking of which…I think The Friend and I are going fishing later…I can’t wait.
 
Anyway, I am GLAD that nobody ‘took my side’ on his status. I don’t need it and it will only lead to MORE drama, MORE broken friendships and relationships. I have no need to defend myself based on half truths…I don’t owe anybody but my children an explaination for my decisons…in 5, 10, 30 years I will STILL be able to look my children in the eyes and say I did everything I could to make this divorce as easy on them as I could. That I made choices only with their best interest in mind. That I refused to be guided by anger or hurt as I made decisions that would shape the course of their lives.
 
I am thankful for those who have checked in on me PRIVATELY. I am so thankful to have surrounded myself with people who have no need whatsoever to beat another person down to make themselves feel better. I don’t need to name call, and neither do my friends. We see a sick and angry man…and pray for peace in his heart.
 
My personal facebook status last night (after much deep breathing and fighting the urge to lash out was this:
I’ve never understood how strangers can judge a person based on one persons perspective…
 
Today…as my heart works through the hurt, it is this:
Some days…no matter how ‘big’ I am, I just need my mommy…she can make everything better…everytime…
 
I’m waiting for one of my family members to make a fat joke about being ‘big.’ We are awesome like that.
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