I have a play list of music that is just deep songs that allow me to let out a good cry when I need one. Music has always touched my heart, my soul. Many of the songs are about loss. Some relate to death, some to a romantic loss, two even touch on deployment.
And I pray God keeps his safe from harm…
…he knows the danger but he does what he does
He calls it duty but I call it love
so here I am while he’s gone to some foreign land…
…sleeping with the telephone.
Although I don’t sleep with the telephone, I do sleep with my laptop. Just waiting…he lives far away and works even further away. I wait for him to sign into Yahoo chat. Even a quick, “Hey what are you doing still awake?” from him is enough to put a smile on my face and let me sleep in peace. My brain knows he’s safe…but there’s always that what if question in my heart. Especially with the Prescott Granite Mountain Hotshot crew that was just taken…there is always a chance.
Our schedules, though less than perfect, allow us to Yahoo chat pretty regularly although his internet connection is not always reliable so there can be days at a time when I don’t hear from him…those days are not always easy on me. Of course, those are usually the days I think I need him the most. I told him the other day that it’s okay though, getting through some of this tough stuff on my own is a good thing…reminds me that I AM strong enough to do this on my own.
Do you know that moment, when you are standing on the edge of the dock…do you jump in the water or do you turn and walk away…you know that you can only do one, and by doing one you never get a chance to do the other. That’s where I am right now. Do I jump in, or do I run? I know I’m not ready to jump in, but I sure as hell have no intention of walking away…
So, until things change…and that won’t be anytime soon…I’ll sleep with my laptop, until I no longer have to. I will continue to stand on the edge of the dock until I am forced to do one or the other.
I miss you…more than Nutella and peanut butter…be safe.