Home » Rambling » I have hope because I had Faith

I have hope because I had Faith

WARNING GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS/PHOTOS MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES

July 9, 2009 at 1823h was the last time I was pregnant. Faith was born at 8 weeks, 5 days gestation. While not yet completely formed, there were eyes, ear buds, a tiny nose and mouth, webbed fingers and toes on the end of her arms and legs.

Pregnancy was again taking it’s toll on me. Morning sickness had kept me confined to the couch with a puke bucket for nearly a week at this point. The ultra sound showed an anomaly which may have been a second gestational sac. Faith’s heart had been beating strong and she measured perfectly for her gestational age.

Bug and Bubba were on vacation in Canada at Grandma and Grandpa’s. It was just Bum and I at home. EH (formerly known as Mr. Ex) and I were separated at the time (his first mid-life crisis) but he had been staying at the house as I had been so sick.

July 9, 1800h he came in from work and went to have a shower. I was watching TV. I sat up to get something and passed what felt like a large clot. I had a partial abruption when I was 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant with Bum…I got up, yelled at EH to get something (I knew we would have to take whatever it was into the hospital when we went). Of course this was at the exactly moment he was covered in soap. When he got out, he grabbed an empty wipes container and I slowly emptied the contents of my underwear into it as he ran to get dried off.

I now know what it sounds like when you hear people saying they could hear somebody screaming only to realize it was their own voice.

Bum, only a year and a half old at this time, came running in to the bathroom as I stared at my baby, perfect in a way only a parent can see…and she waved at me. What I had felt turned out to be the entire gestational sac, intact. As I looked and what I had thought was a massive blood clot it rolled against the side of the container exposing the clear membrane, allowing me to see my daughter wave her final goodbye.

When EH reentered the bathroom I screamed at him to go get the camera. I don’t know why I needed him to get it THAT minute…but I was ANGRY and he went to get it. Of course this was after I nearly shoved the wipes container towards him screaming “LOOK” in a very accusing tone.

After I calmed down a little bit, I called my doctor, told him what happened and he gave me the option to come in or stay home. I decided to stay home. As a nurse, I knew what to expect, what to watch for and when to go in, he respected that.

I placed Faith in the fridge…my sense of humor taking over for the shock and grief…she was “…chilling in the fridge…” I told the owner of the local funeral home when I called to get some advice on how to preserve/protect her until we made burial plans.

For three days Faith was kept in the fridge in a sealed baggie to slow decomposition. Several times a day and often at night I would visit with her, talk with her.

We bought a small prayer box at the Hallmark store, purchased some miniature pink roses, a magnifying glass and some two-part epoxy.

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Faith July 9, 2009

I knew we would have to work swiftly, so I set up an area in our living room with a white sheet as a back drop. prepared the flowers, and then it was time. I broke the water and held my baby in my hands for the first time. It was so surreal. I was being so careful as I knew just how fragile she was and to touch her or move her too much would mean disaster. Faith measured less than an inch long.

Her umbilical cord was long…I remember thinking how amazingly long it was for her age. I cut her cord…the final blow to this mama’s heart. I placed her on a bed of mini pink rose petals, she fit perfectly. I used the magnifying glass to examine every part of her tiny body. I took over a hundred pictures of her. I knew it would be my only chance. I held her hand…I saw her tiny mouth open for just a second…what perfect lips she had. I swear she smiled at me…

I laid her on a bed of soft pink rose petals and covered her with one as a blanket (with one arm over the edge of blanket as if she fell asleep like that).

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Finally, all my babies together

When it came time for burial, I placed items from all four of my angel babies in that casket with her. There was a stuffed Taz for Baby Sam (Aug 5, 2003), Peanut’s pregnancy journal (March 16, 2007), a letter I wrote to Baby Jordan the day after she passed and her Christmas tree ornament (July 16, 1996), and of course Faith. The boys each put in a ring from some Sponge Bob cupcakes we’d had early that week and two of their hot wheels, Bug wrote a letter to all four of them. This way, all four of our babies would be together. They would rest in peace in one place.

Right now I just can’t write anymore…thank you for letting me share.

Happy Angelversarry Faith Hope W. I hope you catch your balloon that I send to you after work today. I love you.

“God…because I could not hold her in my lap and tell her about you, would you please hold her on yours and tell her about me?” ~Unknown

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