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I Can’t Save Her

She can hear his car as it pulls in the drive

She can  whisper a prayer, “Thank God, he’s alive”

She can meet him at the door and  catch him when he falls

She can even believe that it isn’t his fault

But  she can’t save him

She can make his coffee in the cold light of day

She can  make his excuses, tell the boss he’ll be late

She can wave at the neighbors,  kiss him goodbye

And not say a word ’bout what happened last night

But  she can’t save him

Sometimes she dreams that he’s caught in a stream

And the  water keeps pulling him down

She reaches for him as he pulls her in

She  wakes just before she drowns

But she can remember the man that he was

And still shed a  tear for what he’s become

She can live in that house until the day

She  sees that it’s only herself she can save

Cause she can’t save him

And that day she’ll know she hasn’t failed

‘Cause nothing  can change until he saves himself

Cause she can’t save him

No, she can’t  save him

No, she can’t save him


My heart is so heavy. I have done all I can for my girl…my girl. Oh my baby girl, I pray for you…so much I pray for you.

I can only save myself at this point. I cannot allow her to pull me under. I have not failed…I have not failed. I’m hoping if my brain says that over and over again, my heart will believe it.

My friends have been so wonderfully supportive. Thank you to them for knowing how to make me laugh so hard I cry happy tears; for knowing when to agree with me and when to just listen, and even for suggesting that sometimes I may be wrong.

Tonight, I have shed many tears. I understand I am leaving out many details of what has happened in the last week. I will fill in the blanks as my heart and brain wrap themselves around the situation.

I won’t lie, I want to abuse sleeping medication tonight.

Bing Dictionary

drug a·buse
  1. illegal or excessive drug use: deliberate use of an illegal drug or of too much of a prescribed drug

Not in a way that is harmful, only in avoidance of reality; which is just as harmful in the long run. I want to take enough to sleep through the night, I want to take it much too early…all early warning signs of misuse and abuse…sometimes I hate being so insightful. 

Instead, I will write, and pray, and find scripture that hopefully calms my heart. Then it should be ‘late enough’ to take something without taking it just to avoid the situation.  

I wonder how many nights my mom cried herself to sleep over us. I’m dealing with three children, she had seven of us; each with our own issues at certain ages and often more than one at a time.

Good night my friends, sleep well.

Psalm 102:1-7 (New International Version)

Hear my prayer, Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly.

For my days vanish like smoke; my bones burn like glowing embers. My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat my food. In my distress I groan aloud and am reduced to skin and bones. I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins. I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof.

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