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I Dreaded This

It has happened…and I hate it. I also know that I am the only one who can do anything about it. Nothing anybody says or does will make this go away. When it first happened, about a week ago, I brushed it off as an anomaly; just a reaction, not serious. I hoped, I prayed.

No such luck. The stress has won my body, it owns me. I am at its’ mercy, I am a slave.

When I am overwhelmed, my body takes over. I don’t always know when enough is enough…I push, push, push myself until I can’t push anymore, and then I push one more inch. That’s when my body pushes back. It screams at me, it attacks me.

My legs are covered in hives. Stress does this to me. I am rarely stressed to this point. I have learned to lessen the stress in my life to a manageable level. We all need stress to some degree. As with most things in my life though, I don’t always know when enough is enough. Remember Sparky…I pushed, and pushed. He pushed back until it was no longer worth the fight…until I was no longer worth the fight.

~but I digress~

When I am stressed I break out in hives. They are worse than your worst bug bite. In the past I have scratched myself raw trying to bring some relief. A scalding hot bath or shower does bring relief…not very doable as I sit here at work. Neither is sitting here scratching like a poison ivy victim. So I suffer, truly suffer the irritation is excruciating. Yesterday the hives were a bit worse than they had been recently. Today I feel them beginning on my shoulders, my arms, and my back…it’s going to be a LONG DAY.

Fortunately or unfortunately depending on which way I look at it, I recently cut all my fingernails. Although this means I won’t leave scratch marks as I try to rub away the irritation…it does mean that I will likely be covered in bruises from pinching and rubbing…I bruise easily.

It is time. The call has been made. Bug, I am not sorry. I am not doing this TO you, I am doing it FOR you. For your safety, for your protection. I am also doing it for myself. I cannot allow myself to be drowned. I.must.keep.swimming.

My legs, my arms, and now my scalp.

I know once all the wheels are in motion, the relief will not be instant. It may even get worse for a couple of days before it gets better as the fallout occurs for her. Thankfully I am off work tomorrow. I was scheduled for a long weekend but was asked to work the 3-11 shift on Saturday afternoon. I’m not going anywhere, I have no plans so I said I would take it. Staying busy is going to be big when it comes to getting through this next couple of months.

The worst place to try to scratch? Your feet and hands…nothing brings relief to either of these two areas.

Lord, I ask that you guide myself and the professionals to make the right decisions for Bug. I pray for understanding, for courage, for strength, for peace of heart and mind. Amen

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