Next week the boys return to school. Bubba to third grade, Bum starts kindergarten. Tonight they both have their open house at the school. I work until 5pm tonight (ten hour shifts all week this week) and then will have to haul-ass to get to their school for six.
The kindergarten teacher is aware of our family situation, she’s known us for years and has known both boys their entire lives. I’ve been in contact with her about what to watch for as far as Bum’s moods and some of the what does and doesn’t work during frustrating times for him.
Bubba has a new-to-our-school teacher and it is a guy. I don’t know him, have never met him, and am a little bit apprehensive about tonight’s meeting. The ex is so fake around other people, especially around people he doesn’t know…he’s the, “I’ll be the greatest person you ever met, until I realize you can do nothing for me, then you are shit under my shoes” kind of guy.
I was hoping that the judge would have come up with a decision by now about the last hearing we had, but he hasn’t. I was hoping the boys would be back with me full time before the school year started, but they aren’t. I am trying to remain optimistic and positive, but it’s hard.
Once school starts I won’t be able to take them on my days off in the middle of the week. I won’t be able to take them a day earlier than scheduled just because they want to be with me.
I know I’m strong enough to get through this. I know I am smart enough to do what is right for my boys. I know that this is all part of God’s plan.
I know my heart aches. An actual physical ache. It feels like somebody has my heart in their hand and is crushing it; often making it hard to breathe.
When I saw the boys yesterday for a couple of hours (their father dropped them off to me at work so he could go school supply shopping) it was hard. Bum was obviously tired. He wanted nothing more than to cuddle and be close. He sat on my knee, he curled up on me in a tiny little ball and closed his eyes with a smile…he needs his mama.
Today, I’m just going to let my heart hurt; I’m going to respect the delicate balance between what should be, what may be, and what really is.
Tonight, when I see my boys, I will hug them, kiss them, love them, and be theirs…all theirs. Oh God this hurts…