Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Yesterday’s sermon at church was a reality check for many. We were asked if we really trust God with our whole hearts. My initial response was, “Well of course I do. He has always provided for me.”
Then came the challenge between my heart and my brain. How can I even pretend that I completely trust God when I am living in such turmoil regarding my current employment situation when I KNOW that where God guides, he will provide.
The above text says, “…and lean NOT on your own understanding…”
That has gotten me through this last six months in one piece. I cannot lean on my own understanding, I trust that everything that is happening right now is a part of God’s plan and that God is good. So how is it that I can completely trust Him when it comes to the futures of my children and the courts, and everything regarding my divorce, yet I can’t find it in me to follow the path He has made for me.
I feel like there is the path He has set out before me, and every time I step off the path…he merely moves it again and places it back in front of me. This isn’t something I can deny.
God is SCREAMING in my ear to quit my job, to move forward. Do I trust him enough to believe everything will be ok? Do I trust Him enough to provide for my needs? My heart says yes, I do trust Him. My brain is wondering if God will pay the rent.
I have filled out applications and am taking some online training that has nothing to do with my current job. These are steps in the right direction. My question is, how long do I allow my current job to drain me emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Do I hold out until something comes along? Do I wait until I snap?
I have a very real fear that staying here will cause a breakdown. I told a friend yesterday that it feels like the boss is doing everything in his power right now to get me to quit. He badgers me, blames me for things that I did not do, gets frustrated when I call him out. My friend said, “Of course he’s brow-beating you, you know way too much.”
I was once a great asset to his business. Everybody knows I ran this place. Now that I refuse to do his job for him (as I had been doing) I am of no use to him even as a peon. This was his decision to change my status and my duties. For him to expect me to do all I had before is allowing myself to be used, and I’m not okay with that.
I understand that with the divorce going on I cannot just up and quit my job without another one waiting. I’m sure the judge would not look favorably on me just quitting my job while asking for custody of my children.
I have court next week. It is the actual divorce trial. As the ex and I have not agreed on ANYTHING, it will be up to the judge to decide on every aspect of the situation. From custody, visitation, who is responsible for what bills, etc. I understand judges hate to make these decisions, they prefer people to work out their own agreements and then rubber stamp it. Judges know that they will never know the whole story, they understand they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
“…in all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight…”
I need to put in my notice. I cannot stay here. If I put in my notice today for two weeks, I am confident that I will find something in time, plus that would give me two more paychecks, a full one and a half one. All my bills are already paid for September, my next paycheck could pay all of October’s bills…just sayin’.
Lord, I know that you will never lead me astray and that where your path leads, I will be provided with the necessary resources and tools to follow you. Quiet my heart as I learn to submit to you Lord. Amen