The boys are back in school and this is their first weekend back at my place since school started. I feel like they have taken 10 steps back. The older one is struggling so much. He is over-tired and attention starved.
Friday afternoon we did some shopping, then came home and had supper. After some x-box it was a regular bedtime. The boys needed the structure returned to their lives. Saturday we did some chores around the apartment, had lunch, went bowling, grocery shopping, then road our bikes to the library to borrow some movies.
Although only 5:30pm as I write this, both boys are exhausted. All day Bubba has pushed every limit, questioned every decision I’ve made, argued every point. He is back to not being able to make decisions for himself if given options. He has anxiety which manifests as a sore throat (you know that lump in your throat feeling). This morning asking him what he wanted for breakfast caused an anxiety attack.
I take full responsibility for it. I did not sleep well last night so when they woke up early I allowed them to play x-box. Usually they have to eat breakfast, get dressed, and brush teeth before any TV or video games. Something as simple as relaxing the morning ritual started our entire day off on the wrong foot.
I am reminded, and will be mindful that I need to be vigilant when it comes to the rituals and rules. The fact that I’m not sleeping doesn’t mean I get to let the x-box babysit before breakfast and getting dressed.
Court is on Tuesday, the finally divorce trial. I am SO READY for this to be over. I know that things can’t get much worse as far as custody of the boys, but I think I am worried that the judge stays as biased and blind. Based on the ex’s behavior and patterns over the last five months there is no way he should be granted primary custody…but what if he is?
Just the thought of it makes me want to puke.
The Friend, the Milk Man, and the Boyfriend have done all they can to support me and to encourage me. My brain is working overtime (and then some). I want to do things such as isolate…hide…sleep. Not good signs. I don’t even want to work right now. I just want to curl up in a corner and die until it’s over.
Pray that the judge meets the needs of my boys…they need him to see through their father. They need the judge to see the truth. Pray that God grants me serenity, courage, and wisdom…I can’t do this on my own.
Thanks Friend and Milk Man for being here for me.
Thanks Boyfriend for building me up when I’m feeling down, for being my hero when I need one the most.