My heart is on fire lately. I have such a renewed sense of hope, love, understanding, peace…it is amazing. I am so richly blessed by those who have entered my life. The friends who have remained at my side during what many would claim was a disastrous time have helped me to remain focused on the good and the positive things going on all around me.
Through my first week and a half of unemployment I have served as a Creation Station teacher (two services), served an evening meal three times, celebrated Thanksgiving (Canadian), and spent some much needed time in prayer and reflection.
Before I move forward I need to look back. I need to see where I came from, to understand what it took to get me here and remove the things that didn’t work and learn to embrace the things that did.
I am becoming much more open with people around me, less stand-offish to new people. I am more inclined to shake a hand and introduce myself to a new person at church, I took the time to sit and pray with a child in my Sunday School class this past weekend who was severely troubled. It is so comforting to know that I can help this broken child, that he trusts me enough to allow me in to his thoughts and concerns. THIS is why I teach…to help these kids learn that it IS okay to not be okay and that it is okay to not only reach out but to also take the hand that reaches for him.
Ironic that I am having this same struggle for myself right now. I am learning how to accept help that is offered, yet still have a difficult time asking for specific needs when people want to help. “Is there anything you need?” is usually followed by “No, we are good for right now.” When I should be saying is, “I am currently without any beds for myself or the boys and we are looking for donations to help meet that need.” How hard is THAT? Not very when I type it out, EXTREMELY when it comes to actually making that need known.
Why can’t I ask? Well, I’m afraid of what people might think of me. Not only do my children not live with me, but I don’t even have beds for them to sleep on?
Should I have stayed at the job that was killing me emotionally and spiritually to provide comfortable beds for my boys? Is is okay that I left to follow God’s plan for my life instead of drowning where I was? In my brain, the answer is simple, that I did the absolute best thing for myself and the kids when I left that job. My brain knows that we don’t ‘need’ beds, we want them.
My heart though sometimes still struggles. I know there are two perfectly good beds at their dad’s house that are not being used, a queen sized in one room and a twin sized in the second empty room…I have asked to have even one of them for the boys to use and have been denied. I pray that his heart be healed to see past his own pain to take care of the needs of our boys, not just when they are on ‘his time’ for for him to care about their needs and well being when they are on my time. They do not stop being my children when they leave my care just as they should not stop being his children when they leave his. Does he not see that he is not punishing me, only the boys? Will he ever see it? I highly doubt it.
I worry that his hurt will define his relationship with the boys as they grow older and see the truths for themselves. I don’t want them to have a damaged relationship with either parent. I want them to be so in love with both of their parents that there is never any doubt. I don’t want them to see the bitter, angry, short sighted person their father has become. I want them to know the man with whom I made them, not the one he has become. I want my boys to learn that no matter what, their parents always put their love for each of them above any hurts or hangups. What greater gift can we give them?
The other great gift I am giving my children at every chance I get is knowing God. I am teaching them that God is good and it is Him to whom we should turn to when times are challenging. I am teaching them to see everything has a positive aspect and it is up to us to decide which aspect to focus on in any given situation.
My boys don’t live with me…pretty negative. I can sleep in because I don’t have to get them off to school in the morning…pretty nice perk. LOL See, even something so seemingly devastating can be okay, if you chose to let it be.
Be on fire for the right reasons. Be fired up about God making radical changes in your life, be on fire for those around you who look to you for guidance. Be on fire for those who see you as their compass…always be TRUE North (haha…get it, I’m from Canada…NORTHERN Canada). I’m on fire, and not calling the fire department to put it out. I am happier at this moment in my life than I have been in many years.
And if you are moved to make a donation for the boys and I to have a bed, I won’t tell you no.