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Muddled

Well, last week didn’t turn out quite like I had planned. I had arranged with the ex to take Bum (the youngest who needs his ‘Mama time’ more than Bubba who is already starting to get a social life and is okay with daily phone calls and playing Minecraft via internet with me). I was supposed to get Bum for Thursday Friday as they had no school and the plan was to send him back to Dad’s on Friday evening as it was Dad’s weekend…

I call to arrange the Wednesday pickup and am faced with, “Well, I was wondering if you would take both boys and keep them for the whole weekend.” My mom heart JUMPED at the opportunity…HELL YA!! More time with my kids…every time.

We had a great weekend…their dad dropped them off to me at the bowling alley on Wednesday (we were almost finished the second of three games when they got there to cheer us on). I am always humbled when people take the time and effort to tell me how amazing my boys are. They are. They are little gentlemen…and very much ‘little boys’ when they want to be. I am so thankful to be able to be proud of them one second, and giving them the death stare the next. I really do have the greatest kids around.

Note to self: The death stare rarely works while giggling, it also is useless when the retired Army Captain standing behind me is giving me bunny ears. She is on my team, I couldn’t kill her!!

Thursday we bought a cake to celebrate The Boyfriend’s birthday. While we were at the store, Bubba was on the phone with his dad. Ya, we are buying a birthday cake for The Boyfriend (they call him by his first name) when dad questioned who The Boyfriend was, Bubba said, “He’s my friend, and Mom’s” LMFAO When we got home we took pictures of the cake to send to him and in one shot Bubba is licking the side of the cake “Ha mom, he’ll love this”

Friday morning I had to take Bum to the doctor. He has SIX…yes, SIX warts on his feet. I had one treated a while back and instructed dad that he would need at least one more treatment on it in the next couple of weeks. Well, he never did and now he has six warts to be treated instead of one. They froze them all and off to Walmart to buy band-aids keep them covered and then home we went.

It bothers me that it is beyond him to make even routine doctor appointments but can’t even manage to take them in when they have needs. Almost a year Bubba has been waiting to see a specialist for a congenital hip condition. I can’t make the appointment because it is with a specialist and I have to go by dad’s schedule.

I told dad that at least of one of the warts (the original one) has to be treated at least one more time in 10 -14 days…any bets on who will end up doing that one? Ya…I didn’t think so.

~~

Friday night at 2230h Bum asked me, “Mom, how many more days until The Boyfriend comes home?” I told him is was about xx days and he thought about it for a minute, gave me a kiss, and told me “That’s for The Boyfriend.” He then curled right back up and went to sleep.

While he was sleeping I found a countdown app for my iPod and downloaded it with an approximate return date (and added a few weeks to the date I think it may be just in case). The next morning I showed it to him and he pursed his lips and said, “That’s a long time.” Yep kiddo, it sure is, but he’ll be home as soon as him and his friends are finished what they are doing.

~~

Saturday morning at youth bowling Bum threw his first official league strike…I couldn’t be more happy for him. The little boy on his team and he are both first year bowlers and had a blast.

Saturday Bum spiked a fever out of nowhere accompanied by a headache. My poor baby had already spent 90% of his visit planted firmly on my lap, and now here he was, sick. (There are times when he just cannot get close enough to his mom…like he literally needs to attach himself to me in order to trust that I really am right there and not going anywhere). I prefer to allow fevers to work themselves out knowing they are working on whatever is attacking his tiny system. When he changed positions and grabbed his head I immediately pulled out the Tylenol.

So he had a four hour afternoon nap and then when he woke up I asked if he wanted to head to the store with me, I didn’t have a thermometer at my house and offered to make ‘mom’s special recipe hot chocolate’ for a bedtime snack. Off we went…new thermometer, hot chocolate, whipped cream, and mini marshmallows…WINNER…every time.

He laid on me all night in the recliner. Each time he changed positions I nearly froze to death! I guess he was warmer than I realized!

Sunday morning both boys wanted to go to church so off we went to the 0930h service. I guess he was feeling better. His fever was gone for the time being and he even ate breakfast. When he curled up on my lap during the church service I could feel he was again a little warm and did a quick scan of the crowd seeing who was going to be the one to help me clean up Marshmallow Matey’s vomit…I’m sure I would have been covered, but thankfully did not have to find out!! Neither boy wanted to attend Creation Station as I was not teaching. It was a great sermon for them to be a part of though, so I was actually glad they stayed. You can view the service here once it is posted. Thankfully our church streams the service each week for those who can’t make it for whatever reason. Just before the sermon the youth pastor and another member of the congregation did a short skit that had my boys rolling in the isles (literally).

After church we went back to hang out at home, Bum was still a little worn out, so not much doing except movies and Minecraft (DAMN YOU MINECRAFT). The Lunch Lady stopped over to drop of some clothes that will fit the boys. I have a heck of a time getting their father to provide clothing that is decent and fits for my visitation and am not currently in a position to buy a whole bunch on my own. She also showed up with a thank you gift that is better than any thank you gift I have ever received…a HUGE jar of Nutella!! See, she really DOES get me!

I took the boys to our arranged meeting place at the arranged time to meet dad and things were okay until we got out of the vehicle. Immediately I was overcome with a sense of anger and sadness. I gave both boys a million hugs and kisses (the only time I get kisses from Bubba besides bedtime is at drop off) and headed home.

I was crushed, I was frozen in despair, I was so upset. I rattled off an email to The Boyfriend and whined that I was in a bad mood and just as soon as I typed that it hit me. I had the boys for a four-day visit instead of the usual two…of course it was harder to let them go after four days than two. I need to learn to give myself credit for how hard it is to send them back to dad’s. Every other weekend (actually three weekends in a row right now because I still get my regular weekend this weekend) my heart breaks all over again when I send my boys to their dad’s house. Not just hurts…it breaks. My body is heavier, my brain is scrambled, my life is changed again.

About an hour later I sent The Boyfriend another email and it started like this:

Yep, I feel like my heart is dying right now…laying a hot bubble bath, listening to sappy-ass songs, bawling my eyes out, missing the loves of my life…praying with everything I have for God to give me strength to get through this in one piece, because I sure don’t feel like I’m going to make it right now.

Even just copy/pasting that I am fighting back the tears…feeling them burn my cheeks…I’m at the library, good thing I can type without seeing the keys, because they are VERY blurry right now…

Ok, a few rounds of Candy Crush later as well as a roam through Facebook world and I’m back. Now where was I?

Oh ya, took the boys back, went home and proceeded to feel sorry for myself. The ex sent me a text, “You looked pissed when we met, you alright?” Oh how I wish I could just tell him…he’s a horse shit parent and his only concern is hurting me, and he doesn’t give a shit about what this is doing to our children…but I can’t. I have to ‘play nice’ until court is finished. Just told him I was fine and he let it go.

My Facebook status was “There are just some things even my heart can’t take…and we all know it can (and has) taken a damn good beating.” I’m not usually one to air my pity party on Facebook, but dammit, I was so broken. I have been through Hell…and I have been tempted to dance with the devil…I’m allowed to break down once in a while, aren’t I?

Took a sleeping pill as I knew sleep and me would not be meeting otherwise last night and cried my sorry ass to sleep. This morning I woke up and still was not ‘back from the brink’ so to speak. I watched CMT, ate Little Debbie snacks (thanks Bum…great choice the other day). At 1100h a movie comes on CMT…I am too lazy to change the channel and not motivated enough to get up and shower yet so I watch it…We Are Marshall…I’ve never seen it before. Poor timing CMT, well-played God…just what I needed. I needed to be able to cry., and cry I did. Deep, raw, agonizing, hot tears. I was going to put on my FB “Note to self, watching We Are Marshall when already feeling down is not a good idea”…but really it was. It was the catalyst I needed to get my tears out. To allow my tears to fall, to be NOT strong for just a few minutes. Instead I put “Note to self: watching We Are Marshall when already feeling down has its pros and cons!”

Another friend of mine who was also having a rough day at her house posted “So I read this and at first read that you watched We Are marshmallow and got really confused. Can you tell I have junk food on my mind? Hope that makes you smile as much as it did me :)”

So here I am…bawling my eyes out and suddenly I am giggling so loud that I am surprised my neighbors weren’t knocking on the walls…again, just what I needed.

The Boyfriend came online and after reading my emails was concerned about me. I told him I was fine (which I will be) and he told me my emails had him worried. I told him it was just a rough stretch and that I would be fine…he said I didn’t sound fine. I promised him it was just a momentary situation and that I would be okay which he acknowledged. He seems to think I am some sort of super woman who can do anything…I’m not, I’m just a mom who misses her boys more than anybody could ever imagine.

By 0100 his time we had caught up (we had been a couple of days with no communication) and he was confident that I was back on the right track…or at least headed there. He’s more support than he realizes. I told him I knew he was never more than an email away. He really is my hero.

My laptop is not yet back in service so please excuse the muddled mess of this post…and thank you.

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6 thoughts on “Muddled

  1. Hubby used to have to bring my stepsons home after “our” weekends with them. He often expressed much of what you did in this post. Agreed, every now and again a meltdown has its place. I’m going to check out your movie. Hugs.

      • I haven’t lived your journey, so I won’t pretend to know how you feel. I can, however, relate. My son has a friend who deals with active alcoholism and a nutty, co-dependent, possibly active addict parent. Can’t tell you how many times I want to bring that child here, and provide a home where safety is the norm.

        As per your children, God has a plan for them too. I hate it when someone tells me this, but it comforts me too. If I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in God’s plan, then I (and all those associated with me) have to be as well. Hang in there. You and your li’l guys are in my prayers.

      • Thank you so much. I find I am the one comforting others with this phrase regarding our situation more than others telling me this. It does bring me so much peace. It’s why I can carry on and not go bonkers. This is all part of His plan and He knows what He’s doing.

      • He hasn’t failed me yet. I’ll be posting on that this week. Have to get myself back out there. Life sure as heck gets in the way. Or, given what we’re saying, it’s all part of His bigger plan all along, yes?

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