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I don’t even know where to begin…I guess for the most part, I start where I always do; with prayer. I know God will provide in one way or another. Whether it be by leading somebody to help us or leading me to the right job and or circumstances.

I found out today (although not confirmed, 90% sure) that social services can’t/won’t help out with any of my expenses because I have the boys 50% of the time. For me to be eligible for any of the programs I would have to have them at least 51% of the time…just my luck. The job I interviewed for this week won’t start until January (that assumes I even get the job).

The more things progress with the custody situation, it becomes more and more obvious that the boys should be with me and that everything that the ex did and said to gain custody was nothing more than pretty words and party lines. I think the lack of available resources is just forcing my hand to do what I know needs to be done.

One of the ‘reasons’ he gave for being the more suitable parent to have custody was the fact that he works in the same town where they go to school and that would make him more accessible than I as far as school related events or illness. Fast forward to the first day of school and B2 threw up all over the classroom. All the ex did was pick him up at school and then went back to work…he left B2 at daycare. Today B2’s class had a Christmas workshop in the afternoon which had several stations for the children and their parent to go through including decorating a mini-gingerbread house, decorating cookies, making ornaments for the tree and a few other activities. Super Dad couldn’t even stick around for that…damn straight Mama was right there though, loving that little boy up like nothing else. We had a great time going through the stations and then even spent some time in the reading center while we waited for our next station.

We were scheduled to go back to court in January for our final trial phase of the never ending divorce. Well, our judge has retired effective December 31. So now we get a new judge and I’m guessing that fitting in to that calendar is not going to be high on his/her list of priorities. I sent my lawyer an email with questions about asking for a hearing when we are assigned a new judge so that the new judge can look at what we have an hopefully see that his arrangement is not in the best interests of the children at all. Especially if a hearing date is going to be more than a month or two out.

I even offered to keep it at the 50/50 custody if the boys can switch to the school in the town where I live. I’m the one who does all the running, appointments, school volunteering, church activities, etc. Even their upcoming annual physicals, I had to make the appointments, and will have to make sure they get there…not even on his damn radar…

I am eligible for some child support based on him making more than I do and he child support magistrate has the ability to take things such as transportation costs into consideration when determining an amount. I am waiting to be given a hearing date for that. The ex is going to shit his pants and throw a damn fit. I would think that the ex will be a little more willing to negotiate when hit with that order. I will be less so once the order goes through. NOW is the time to negotiate. He lost all the power in the situation when the judge ordered 50/50. He was riding pretty high and mighty. You’d think he’d see that for what everybody else seems to think it is…a huge blow to his case.

But for right now I am panicking and I hate feeling like this. I am more depressed than I have been in a long time and although this is situational (not biochemical) it’s no easier. I had to stop bowling (which I was LOVING) because I can’t afford the $12/week. Last week I also put my notice in to be taken out of rotation teaching Creation Station (Sunday School at our church). My heart was just not in it AT ALL last week and those kids deserve so much more. They deserve teachers who are engaged in the material and in heir lives…I couldn’t even remember half of their names last week. I felt terrible.

Everybody keeps telling me I need to cut myself some slack…well at this rate I am going to be homeless again…hard to not panic about that. Another option I have is to not take the boys for my scheduled parenting time…and realistically, that is just not an option. Selling my body for sex is more realistic than giving up my parenting time…seriously.

…and seriously. I have thought about selling myself. If I had any idea how to go about it, I would have done it by now. It’s not like I live in a big city where I can find a street corner and wait for a date to drive by. Our church has taken on Human Sex Trafficking as their Advent Conspiracy cause…and I’m looking for a pimp…I think I’ll go puke now.


2 thoughts on “Blech

  1. My gut says you need help for the depression. Or, at the very least, a support group. Many are free and might provide you resources or avenues to seek help for your situation. More hugs.

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