Yes, I realize my posts have been pretty brutal lately. When I started my first blog and then this one, the one thing I insisted on was that I was raw and honest. Raw is not always pretty, that’s just life.
Today I found my notice that if my rent was not paid by the 20th of this month, eviction proceedings will start. The song “I’ll be Home for Christmas” came into my head except I was singing, “I’ll be homeless for Christmas.” It actually made me giggle.
There is a ton of difficult stuff going on right now but I wanted to take the time to point out all the positive things I am also experiencing right now.
- Not only were the boys and I blessed with a Christmas Tree, we were also gifted decorations!! WE WILL have a Christmas Tree!!
- I contacted the Salvation Army liaison to ask about assistance and was told that I the county social service office is where I have to go to request help from them. (I have an appointment with social services on Monday.) While I was talking with her she offered me some gift certificates for the local grocery store. I explained that I get food stamps so to use the food certificates for somebody in need more than I. She then told me she would be getting some Kmart certificates if they would be helpful. I was given $50 in gift cards!! I texted Battle Buddy, excited that I could at least buy the boys stockings and stuff them! He texted back that he has extra stockings at his house and not to spend money on stockings…so now I can fill the stockings, buy toilet paper, and a board game for each of the boys!! CHRISTMAS IS GONNA ROCK!!
- My friends are doing all they can to lift my spirits and keep me going. They definitely have their job cut out for them, but they are giving it a great effort and I appreciate it more than I could ever tell them.
- The photographer stopped over last night and blessed me with gifts that she can’t even know changed how much they changed my day.
There are good things going on. I just have to look a little harder for them some days. I cannot let the rest of life kick my ass like it has been this last couple of weeks. My brain knows I am smart enough, good enough, strong enough to get through this…my heart is still in Satan’s grip and it’s a tug of war I know I can’t win alone. Thankfully I have Lunch Lady, Milk Man, Photographer, Rancher, who will grab a hold of the line and keep me upright.
I am extremely lonely and that’s never fun. I don’t even want to go to church, be with people. serve meals, take out Battle Buddy’s dogs when he is at work…nothing. I just want to curl up on the couch (if I had one…lol) and die until I start working again. That’s not an option, so here I am…blogging.
I have five different tabs open and am searching for a job, blogging, facebooking, and listening to sappy songs on my iPod. I am trying to formulate a plan to get through the weekend. I get the boys back Monday so life will be great again then, it’s just getting from here to there is no fun.
A friend of mine I haven’t seen in six or seven months offered to have me go to their place on the lake for the weekend but I can’t afford the gas to get there and back. I was offered gas money and my pride took over…I’m not a charity case. I’m tired of feeling like a charity case. I want to say what I wouldn’t give to spend a weekend at the lake…well, apparently I won’t give up what little piece of pride (however misplaced it may be) I have left.
When I am done here I am going home, cleaning the living room…it looks like the boys have actually been there all week! I will do dishes, and I will spend time with God. I know my needs are known, I need to keep reminding myself that He has a plan, it’s an awesome plan, and DAMN IT I’m gonna get through this.
I just decided I am going to make some dip (Velveeta, hamburger, and salsa) and a big pot of creamy wild rice soup. Comfort food.