So, I did it (again). I decided that the time has come to write my book. As I began the first draft it became clear that I think it needs to be a series of books. I can’t tell the story without starting from the beginning. The beginning is pivotal to the outcome of this current chapter that it only makes sense to start from the start…seems like a ‘duh’ moment, but actually I hadn’t put much thought in to it until I actually started to put words on the page. How could I explain how I actually got to where I am if nobody knew where I was in the first place.
Where I was, wasn’t always that nice, and as much as people find it hard to comprehend, I wouldn’t change it even if I could. I was a child of incest, I was battered, we were ‘that nice family down the street who has everything’ throughout my entire childhood. In reality much of the time was a house of horrors.
Perception is reality. It took a long time for me to truly understand this concept. My perception while I was a child was that I lived in hell and would die in hell, and chances were that I didn’t deserve any better than the hell I was in. Looking back, I have such compassion for my parents. I have much more compassion for my parents, who were the source of the hell I lived in, than for those I always thought should (and prayed they eventually would) save me from it.
My parents made a ton of mistakes, who doesn’t? Some just get opportunities to make more than others. In reality, if nobody corrects the mistake, or allows the mistake to be enabled over and over again, who is actually to blame?
Yes, my mom knew sexual abuse was wrong. She also knew that she would be desolate on the street with seven children and with no income. That was her perception….as we know, perception is reality. Can you sacrifice one child (maybe two) to save five others, including one who has Down’s Syndrome? How do you even make that call when you are busy trying to make things look normal…it was the eighties…it’s what we did, we looked normal.
So, that’s where my book will start…the horror of the abuse and the work I did to overcome it.
I look forward to watching it progress through the stages and steps of healing. I can honestly say that I am healed from that horror. It shaped me, and I’ve embraced the woman it has made me. I’ve taken the pain, and used the scar tissue to build some incredible armor. Thankfully my shield is not the brick wall often built by abuse survivors/victims. Mine allows people in. I still risk getting hurt…I risk that a lot.
I am not sure how this book will go over with my family, but I suspect a lead balloon. To tell my story and to share my hope for others living with memories of abuse is worth the risk. My family has always loved me, even when I was unlovable…they will get over it, eventually.
My goal is a manuscript in six months…keep in touch, this is gonna be a good one!!