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Scared

I won’t lie…I’m scared. Even though part of me thinks this is all just a big mistake and I am going to find out that I am perfectly healthy; most of me knows that is not true.

I keep hearing the words aggressively malignant in my head. I can’t do aggressively malignant…I have kids, I’m too busy for aggressively malignant. The boys both started youth bowling league a month ago, B2 started hockey practice last weekend and Cub Scouts, I volunteered to assist his hockey coach (lots of kids and one coach…poor guy). I can’t be a Den Mom, an assistant hockey coach AND aggressively malignant…I just can’t.

I have so much to write and don’t even know where to begin.

Tomorrow (Tuesday, October 28) I go to Fargo to see a specialist. There is a consult followed by more precise imagining, followed by a biopsy of the area. Pathology from the biopsy will be back in a few days and will determine the treatment plan.

I don’t have a lump…I was active growing up…I breast fed all my children…I can’t have breast cancer. I can’t have it…I don’t want it…I don’t want it.

I’m scared.

I have no idea what any of this means yet…and hopefully get a ton of answers tomorrow. My first appointment is at 0830h and my last one starts at 1230h. This means I have to leave home by 0530 and probably won’t be back until about 1730h. Then B2 has his Cub Scout Pack Halloween party starting at 1830.

Seabee has an appointment tomorrow too that hopefully means he will be home in a week or two. He’s been an awesome support over the phone this last week.  I am so lucky to be surrounded by the greatest friends a woman can ask for.

The Lunch Lady feels bad because she can’t be here to take me to my appointment. I will be wearing a shirt she bought me…I know she’s with me. I miss her terribly right now. She is one of very few people I can share my completely uncensored thoughts and feeling with. The boys and I are planning to go visit them over Thanksgiving…I can’t wait to see them all!

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3 thoughts on “Scared

  1. I hope things go well tomorrow for both you and Seabee. Stand strong on your faith the faith that God gave you. It is our guiding light and our comfort and peace. He will hold your hand when you need that peace and comfort. Just let him I dove off into 15 feet of water and could not swim. Because I trusted him not the people around me. I have seen and been blessed with the presence of angels. Yes I have seen Angels twice in my lifetime not many people are so blessed. How many can say that an Angel has brought him food. Not just any food but the very food they requested. I must tell you sometime about it. So I know Angels will be there with each and every one of us that need them tomorrow. Amen

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