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Today I Knew

I don’t know why, but today I knew cancer was going to win. I don’t know when, or how. I just had a feeling come over me that told me cancer was going to eventually win this battle.

It wasn’t even an option for me, I know I am going to carry on as I have been; upbeat, positive, all hands on deck, and ass-kicking. If cancer does beat me, it is God’s will.

When I was pregnant with B2 and they told me at 12 weeks 2 days gestation that my baby would not live until the end of the week and I would need an abortion to remove the remains I decided that every minute that child was alive would be filled with love and prayer and hope. Not one day did I focus on the end. Every day I focused on that moment, with my baby…the one who knew my heartbeat from the inside. I wanted positive energy to fill his entire world. I never wanted him to feel his Mother’s heart break. It was a choice. I can’t say it was an easy or a hard choice, it was just a decision I made and stuck to. (He was seven in November and now plays hockey)

I am doing the same with cancer. I don’t know what the outcome will be, miracles happen every day. I am not posting this on my caringbridge site as my kids have access to that and I never want them to even think I gave up, because I am not. Nothing has changed, nothing will change.

We will still joke and play, and go to chemo, and eventually have surgery and then more chemo…and we will do so with a smile. We will do so with an iron will.

We will do so knowing that even if we do lose the battle, we won the war. We will have won, knowing that we honored God, we continued to serve others and allowed others to serve us. We will have won by showing so many people how to simply Love God. Love People. Period. and how the pay it forwards can continue for as far as the mind can reach.

We showed the entire world that cancer isn’t all that bad when you have faith, and an army of support. We are blessed.

In 2014, I was blessed with very aggressive stage 3 cancer. In 2015 I am going to fight it with the best doctors, the greatest family and friends, and a positive attitude. I am going to win, whether I live or I die…because cancer will NEVER beat me down. It can never take away the love, the lessons, the friendships, the faith that I have that God works all things for His go.

One thought on “Today I Knew

  1. Happy New Year.
    May all that no longer serves you be left behind.
    May You be blessed with Divine Light and Divine Love and may it fill all the spaces created by all you have left behind.
    May you soar to the highest heights as you’re freed from the burdens and weight released by all that no longer serves you.
    May you feel the joy and the freedom of your journey as the Light warms Your heart with the peace and the love of the Divine that is in You !

    Many Blessings.


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