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Phase Three

Phase three for me is radiation. While I do not yet know all the details, I do know that I will have treatments five days per week for a minimum of six weeks; 384 miles away from home.

I learned many years ago through struggles and heartache to live like I was dying. I don’t know when I began to live that way I just know it’s been many years. I don’t even have a bucket list. When I was flying home earlier this week I was seated next to a gentleman and we talked and he said, I bet you don’t even have a bucket list. I hadn’t really thought about it much. Yes, the thought has crossed my mind, I just never put a whole lot of thought in to it.

I told him, “Nope, I am not going to live with that kind of pressure.” My bucket list would be expensive. First of all it would be things like a trip to Disney World with the kids, a Jamaican vacation with the man of my dreams (or my kids being as there is no such man) skating with my boys and an NHL team.

To fulfill those dreams would cost a crazy amount of money. I am unemployed; I do not have a spouse or significant other who supports me. I can’t even keep my light bill paid without the generosity of the people around me. There is no way I could even begin to plan a week in Florida. So I don’t think that big.

I think about things like how am I going to pay for my next trip to Rochester to begin radiation. I will have gas ($150) plus approximately a week of hotel rooms ($300 – I stay at place that caters to patients and charges less than a normal hotel) then I will be able to move in to Hope Lodge through the American Cancer Society which is free housing during treatments.

My radiation will be Monday through Friday and although I would love to return home on weekends, I just don’t see it being financially possible. The cost of my first week will eat up all available funds I have for the entire month of August (and it won’t even be August yet).

Ya, I won’t be going back on weekends. All of my household bills through August will be paid before I head south. That will be one less thing to worry about. I just know I will have no extra money at all while I am there; it’s a mindset I have to get in to. No eating out, no entertainment, no shopping. It’s not easy, just necessary.

Don’t you hate it when you actually put things down on paper only to realize just how it can’t work out the way you planned? Kind of depressing.

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