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Hardest Realization

I came to an extremely painful realization today. I came to an understanding that for some reason I think I deserve to live in abject poverty and financial desperation.

I have been dealing with much anger lately and most of it has been directed towards the boys’ dad. Today, it hit me…I’m pissed off at him for divorcing me and leaving me to deal with cancer on my own. I am extremely disappointed that he could not be the parent the children needed when I as sick. I’m pissed he left me to face cancer on my own.

When I got married, I vowed forever. For better or for worse were the words I said. Although legally married for just shy of 14 years; our marriage was a happy union for less than 4. The minute the going got tough he took off, he bailed out, he threw me under the bus and then got in and drove over me.

When I was diagnosed, he proceeded to be an angry bitter, shallow man. He tried to use the kids to get to me, he attempted to control me through the kids, and he used my illness against me.

Well, today it hit me that if I am that bad of a person then I damn well deserve to suffer through cancer. I deserve everything that has been sent my way. I deserve to be alone, to be financially strangled, to be living in a state of complete desperation.

Financially I am at the point where I may need to give up time with my kids just so I can find work. M Nobody will hire me based on the schedule I need to be able to get my boys to and from school on the week they are with me. The ex refuses to allow them to switch schools (he works in the town where I live, if they boys went to school here it would not be an inconvenience to either of us. He refuses to allow them to switch schools out of sheer defiance and a show of power. He has it, I do not.

It has nothing to do with the fact that both parents working full time would provide more security for the boys in both homes. It has to do with him controlling me through the boys because he hates that I am happy without him.

He would rather his children live in deprivation than change schools. Quite a guy…no wonder so many people think he is so amazing.

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