Baby Jordan

Seventeen years ago today I lost my second pregnancy. Bug was 14 months old. I had been away from her extremely abusive father for a month already…I didn’t even know I was three and a half months pregnant.

I named the baby Jordan Kelly because I wanted a unisex name. Over the years Jordan has taken on a female gender. I would guess this has mostly to do with the fact that EH’s daughter’s name is Jordan. My Jordan became “Baby Jordan.”

I remember even then, although insanely sad that I had lost the baby, I was thankful that I would not have to explain to two children why their father wasn’t in their lives. I believed, even then at the very beginning when I realized I was going to give birth, that God knew what he was doing. My baby had lived exactly as long as she was meant to live…14 weeks…

The story of her birth I am not ready to share here, and very few know it…I will say it was one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever dealt with.

Tonight, I will release a balloon for her birthday…maybe I can go pick up the boys and take them to the cemetery. The other day Bubba and Bum were talking about our Angel’s birthdays and Bum said he wanted to write on a piece of paper and tie it to a balloon to send to the babies. We do that a few times a year…we write little notes, roll it up like a scroll, tie it to the ribbon of the balloon and send them to heaven. I told him Baby Jordan’s birthday was today and that we could do something together. Maybe I’ll even buy cupcakes to take out there…we can have a picnic. It’s a beautiful spot and today the weather is perfect.

I love you baby girl.


It’s That Time of Year

First; HAPPY VICTORIA DAY WEEKEND to all my Canadian friends and family. I love and miss you more than I can write.

We are nearing Memorial Day here in the USA and here is something I wrote a couple years ago.

I Did Not Lose a Pregnancy

I did not lose a pregnancy; I lost a child…four  of them. I lost hopes, I lost dreams, I lost innocence and watched the  innocence of my children be taken from them as they struggled to  understand what happened and why.
I lost four first steps, four first solid foods, four baptisms, four kindergarten graduations, four confirmations, four weddings…So much more than just four pregnancies. I am at peace as much as I can be with these losses as each one shaped me a little more, helped me to enjoy the children I am blessed to have a little more.

Every year we go to the cemetery to place flowers…a wonderful American tradition I have come to LOVE…every holiday the cemeteries are filled with flowers. I had never even seen anything like it where I  grew up and when I first moved here I thought, “now THERE’S a waste of  money.” Now, as I tend to the final resting place of the loved ones I  have lost, I am filled with peace, I am filled a sense of love. I look through scripture to bring me peace, and to remind me of God’s promises.
I read poems that have helped to carry me through a grief so raw and often so private. This is one of my favorites.
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay. 
  I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear. 
  I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
“Mommy don’t be sad today, 
I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok. Y
our babies are here in My home,
They’ll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
~Author Unknown
“…And then I saw a tear.” God feels my pain, he understands my pain…he lost a son once to.
“…My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come right here…My mommy set me free…” Eventually I was able to set each of my babies free, I am satisfied that they are wrapped in the arms of Jesus who said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:14)

Do I still cry? Sometimes. Do I ask. “Why me?” Absolutely not. I am privileged to have been filled with love for each of these four babies. I am proud to be the mother to the three children I gave birth to who are healthy, I am proud to have opened my heart to my two step-kids who have blessed my life as much as the children I have birthed.

So as I make plans to go with the boys out to the cemetery next weekend to tend to the ‘garden on love’ we have created, I look forward with a smile in my heart. The lilies should be sprouting, and they will be even more beautiful this year than they were last year. Hopefully the Hosta also comes back as well.