Always Something

The boys and I were joking the other day and I told them I want too start looking for a boyfriend. Immediately they both let me know that I could not date.

I said I wanted somebody to go to the movies with and go out for dinner together. B2 climbed up on my lap and said, “Mom, I’ll go too the movies with you.”

When I said that I wanted to go with a boyfriend he said when he’s older he will date me. How sweet.

It’s definitely going to take a unique man to join our lives. I hope he has the patience of a saint and some pretty thick skin, I don’t see these two just welcoming the first guy too come along with open arms.

Where was I

Oh ya…talking the eight year old out of Pepsi for breakfast, I quit my job, The Boyfriend’s deployment was extended, and my laptop was broke.

Well the eight year old is coming home tonight for the weekend and there is still Pepsi in the fridge, I finished work and have taken on the role of early retirement quite well, The Boyfriend is safe, and the laptop is still broke. It is a $5 part on back order (we are talking WEEKS). So although not much has changed, much has happened.

I will break this up into a few different posts and schedule them to post over the next few days so that you don’t have to read them all at once!!

My last week of work strengthened my belief that I was doing exactly the right thing for myself and my kids. I was filled with a renewed sense of hope and love and purpose. My coworkers expressed their sadness at my departure while my boss remained mostly silent (except for asking when I would be able to fill in on a part time basis). He still does not believe I quit and I have heard that he has told several people that I am merely taking a few weeks off and will be returning. One co worker bought an ice cream cake that we shared together (yep, two of us and an ice cream cake). Another coworker hand made me a basket that is absolutely amazing…I will post a picture of it, there is no way to explain the work of art that it is. Another worker brought cupcakes on my last day of which I ate four (ya, it’s ok, you can be jealous, I would be!) When she was leaving work that day she went out to her vehicle and returned with a gift. It is a beautiful jewelry set (necklace and earrings). So amazingly beautiful and thoughtful. I am one lucky woman!!

I don’t think I did ANYTHING productive on my first day off. I did meet with the Lunch Lady on Friday night I think we may have played Bingo…I remember we were at the Eagles Club…I don’t think we played bingo though…funny. Ran into some people I hadn’t seen in a a long time though and met a new woman who I think is going to be my awesomely awesome friend for a VERY long time…but for the life of me I CANNOT seem to find a name that fits her for the blog…her husband (whom I’ve never met is already Soldier Boy as he is a member of the Army National Guard), and one of the guys that we were talking to that night has inherited the name Sausage Man (don’t ask, it’s worse than anything you can imagine!) He used to work with my ex-husband and he and I have always gotten along so well. It was fun to rekindle that friendship that night. He also knows the ‘real’ me. Not the me I turned in to to try to save my marriage, this person knows my parents, has had supper in their home, he knows ME…and likes me anyway!! He and I had a great time catching up.

OH YA…Friday I went and helped the Lunch Lady set up for a rummage sale at the elementary school, it’s an annual event where you can get a table and there are tons of people there with all their stuff. I was bored and offered to help her set up. After we decided to go (with this other lady who is friends with the Lunch Lady) for a drink before heading home. Who knew that sending The Lunch Lady a simple text would forever change my life by introducing me to a woman who is AS crazy (if not more) than myself.  We decided that Saturday we would all get together and play bingo together and have a night out.  Home in bed by 9:30…I know, a late night for me!! The boyfriend was super happy that I had gone out and enjoyed myself. He knows weekends without the boys are difficult and I think he is a little worried about me not filling my time in a good way now that I am not working. They are real concerns, and ones that, come Saturday I even began to have myself.

Saturday morning the boys had sign up for the youth bowling league. Their dad brought them and nearly immediately Bum was in my lap and cuddled up as cuddled as a boy can be…he misses his mama.  Dad was busy in the other room getting them registered while Bubba, their cousin, and their sister (my step daughter) decided to bowl a few games. Bum couldn’t find a proper ball (the alley no longer has 6 lbs balls and he refuses to throw with two hands so an 8 lbs ball is a bit much for him. This started a pout…back on mama’s knee and curled up in a ball. Then Dad came out to where we all were. Bum and I were discussing going shopping just to get out of there for a little while and that immediately went out the window when Dad was back in sight. When Dad is around, he is different. it is heartbreaking. He now wants nothing to do with me. Instead of making things worse I tell Bubba that I will talk to him later and that I have some things to do and give hugs and kisses. I give Bum a big hug and tell him how much I love him. “How much Mom?” …More than mushroom soup…

I went home, and pouted…he doesn’t act like that when he is on my time, only when he is on dad’s time. When he is on my time if we run into dad, he has no problem showing love to both of us…when he is on dad’s time it’s like he has to choose, and it’s so sad to watch. I vented to The Boyfriend for a little while and then posted “Off the grid for the day, some days are just that hard, please do not disturb” as my Facebook status. My heart was hurting and I was going to let it.

Well, apparently the Lunch Lady missed that post and the ‘new girl’ didn’t know (or care) what I was doing, I got a text later saying to get my ass to bingo (in ALL CAPS). It was from the new girl. I asked if I was allowed to shower first and was told yes.

BEST DECISION EVER (no, not showering, going out). I was the designated driver and we played bingo in two different locations and then visited two other bars before getting home AT 1:30 AM!! I don’t even remember the last time I stayed out that late!

A few days later I saw something that said something to the effect that missing somebody when you are lonely was easy, it really means something when you miss them even when you are having a good time. At the second bar I had wi-fi access and spend a good deal of time chatting with the Boyfriend. The best of both worlds…it was like he was right there with me.

I am at the public library writing this and computer usage is limited to one hour so I will end this post here. I have seven minutes left…

The boys and I will be at the library tomorrow so I can post while they do their thing. Take Care everybody…the story only gets better from here!!

More Change

This last couple of weeks have been extremely taxing. My divorce trial was postponed (for the second time), I quit my job (which I used to absolutely love), I attended Wildland Fire Fighter training (and although as fun as anything I’ve ever done it was physically tough work).

Just as things settled down The Boyfriend gives me the news he’s been holding on to for a week or so. His deployment has been extended by two months. At first I thought I was going to absolutely break down, then I just wanted to puke. A few conversations and a good night of sleep and I’m better.

He told me that he did not expect me to wait for him. Our relationship is new and he understands how hard this is. Immediately I told him things would be fine, I knew this was a possibility and that it changes nothing. The more I thought about his ‘offer’ it hurt my feelings. Does he think I am so shallow that an extension would send me running? I’m guessing he was only trying to save himself from being hurt by suggesting I don’t have to wait. I wonder if he’s just never had somebody tell him he’s worth the wait. I made sure I did.

The truth is, I enjoy waiting for him. I have comfort knowing I can bring him comfort during his deployment. It gives me a sense of value knowing after a long day of work I can make him smile. I can take his mind off the fact that he is 8000 miles from home.

The Lunch Lady and I have talked several times about how long the wait is and there are still so many variables. She and I joked that maybe now the divorce will be final before he comes home (although neither one of us are going to hold our breath). He could come home sooner, he could be extended again. It is what it is.

I told The Boyfriend that the length of his deployment didn’t change anything except our trip to Mexico…and gives me more time to save for it so we can go as soon as he gets home. It’s not all bad…sure it still has days where it’s not easy, but he’s worth it. As long as he wants me to, I’ll wait.

For now, I will focus on each day as it comes, and say a prayer for the safe return of him and all the men and women who are deployed. I will no longer try to count down the days because then I am focusing too far in the future. I need to focus on here and now while I look forward to the possibilities. He’ll be home before we know it and this will become a memory.

Take care Hun, we got this…

Hurry up and Wait

Court was cancelled today…another stepping stone. I decided to let work know I would come in because sitting at home wasn’t going to be doing myself any favors. Well, the boss already had gave my shift to another co-worker who needed the hours so that was no longer an option.

I have a thousand things I could do today, a few things I maybe should do, and at least one thing that I MUST do. The one thing I need to do, without regard to anything else, is take care of myself. I did this by taking time to cry in frustration this morning. The emotional turmoil I am living in with this situation is exhausting. I had my hopes up for today being the beginning of the end…the final hearing, the trial phase of the divorce. Finally, the ability to move forward. I understand the wheels of justice move slowly…but two years for a divorce?? C’mon already. I want my life back.

I spoke with Boyfriend for a while this morning. He knows exactly how to bring me comfort at times like that. He continued to ‘talk me off the ledge’ this morning in terms of court.

He even takes me into a fantasy world of the future. I never dreamed that taking a few minutes to think about the future (even as uncertain as it may be) to even make pretend plans, brings a smile. He lets me live in that the future to envision what it might look like, and that comforts me. I’m planning a vacation for us…gonna be a gooder.

Barbie

I don’t remember playing much with Barbie dolls except at my best friend Rhonda’s house…she was an only child of two very loving parents until we were seven or eight…she had Barbie’s everything!

This morning I was talking to Sparky (yep, I named him Sparky) and mentioned that I had lost 15 lbs since moving out of the house and that divorce really looked good on me! We then started the body image discussion.

Sparky: I don’t like the Barbie Doll type of girl.

Me: Ya, but she had a nice house, a fancy car, and the best clothes, shoes, and jewelry.

Sparky: Sorry, I can’t give you that kinda stuff.

Me: Good thing I ain’t Barbie then.

Me: Don’t worry, I can buy my own ‘stuff.’ I just want you.

That Barbie’s got nothing on me. All she had was material goods and Ken…gawd…could any of you even imagine me with a Ken?? I know I couldn’t. Growing up as a princess I was never attracted to the Ken’s in my life. Although I never dated in high school, even if I had, it would never have been a Ken. Ken’s bad boy cousin…maybe…lol

But that was high school. Now, what I look for in a man is one who has a positive self image, a sense of humor, a stable job, and a willingness to love my kids as his own. A passport or the ability to get one is a necessity as well…gotta be able to cross the border, eh?!

So, while Sparky and the Princess sit on the dock enjoying the view, y’all can go be Ken and Barbie…we have better things to do!

An Open Letter To…The Man of My Dreams

Dear The Man of My Dreams;

I know one day we will meet. Although I’m hoping it will be fireworks and love at first sight, I’m much too afraid of how that ends to even let myself believe that to be possible anymore. Please, if you see the fireworks, stop pointing at them, stop trying to show me how wonderful they are, stop talking about them…I’ll acknowledge them when I can no longer ignore them. Please be patient.

I look forward to building a relationship with you…and as sure as I want that to happen; I am also scared silly. I had forever once and it didn’t end well. I want forever again. I am not interested in serial dating…I don’t have the time, energy, or courage to even attempt that. If you aren’t interested in a long term commitment, please don’t waste my time.

I have kids, they mean the world to me. I would give my life for them without a second of hesitation. I don’t know if you have kids or not; if you can’t understand this we are not a match. I don’t know when you will actually get to meet my kids, but you will definitely hear about them often. You will come to know them long before you meet them, I will openly share every aspect of our lives with you…when you finally meet them, you will have no doubts who is who and you will giggle at the accuracy of my descriptions of their personalities. You will love them long before you meet them.

You will also become a co-parent in their lives. This is the only way to give kids the stability they need to become independent adults. You will have to deal with their father on a respectful level at all costs. I will not tolerate you belittling or vilifying him in any manner to the boys. As much as he sets himself, it is not for us to judge…he will pay the price for his sins in God’s time.

Speaking of God, it is my sincere hope that you attend church services with us regularly. My faith brings me such comfort that I would like to share that with you.

I’m am not a financial wizard by any stretch of the imagination, but I like to live within my means. If you have not figured out how to do this in your own life yet, we are not compatible. I have no problem with delayed gratification when it comes to buying things or doing things. I have no problem being a homebody to save up for an amazing trip or wanted item. If you have the resources to pay for those things, great. If not, what sacrifices are you willing to make to your lifestyle or hobbies to attain that which you want? If you have more ‘means’ than I do, we compromise…we compromise about a lot of things. That’s what makes us work…we grow as a pair.

Your family, is close knit and crazy…love them dearly but damn you drive each other insane, and you all know it. The relationships are healthy and have appropriate boundaries. They are okay with, and don’t try to guilt trip you into spending every holiday with them. I’d really like to be able to make some of our own traditions as well as fitting in time with both of our families. It is my hope, and expectation, that your family will embrace my kids as you do.

I know this is a very basic outline…we can fill it in as we go. Like writing a novel, start with a basic outline, fill in the details as you go.