Today it Becomes Real

Today, after work and school, the boys and I are going to the hair salon. B2 is getting a haircut he so desperately needs, B1 needs one but isn’t getting one. I am getting my head shaved.

Today it becomes real and tangible and visible that Mom has cancer…and B1 is afraid. It’s one step closer to the end of the journey for me, to him it is reality slapping him in the face…HARD.

We went for some Mom and Me time last night…we both got pedicures and had an absolute blast just being silly and caring and serious, and just being US.

I am trying to make the best of a shitty situation…for all of us. I am also trying to make it less scary for them. I also have to make sure I respect each of their fears, their thought processes, their ages, their concerns…it’s not easy.

B2 is super excited about helping to shave my head. B1 is hating that it even has to be done…I have to be the mom to both kids…and sometimes in the exact same minute…enjoying it with one, and mourning with the other.

So…today it becomes real.

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HOLY CRAP

First off…remind me the next time I am coming to the library to blog to remember a sweatshirt, it is so cold in this computer lab and I can’t type with my jacket on.

So, I’ve spent a ton of time devoted to prayer lately. Our pastor encouraged us to pray some Big-Ask Prayers, and I did. I asked for the right job to come for me, and I asked for beds for the boys and myself.

Well, as always, God pulled through. I did not expect him to pull through so fast, but today I was hired as a personal care attendant for a little girl with Spina Bifida. The pay is more than I was making at the hotel, the scheduling is extremely flexible, and no weekends or holidays. Minimum 24 hours each week and the option to work 40+. Can you say PERFECT FIT??

I went to the scheduled prayer meeting at the church and was met by the pastor who had a silly grin on his face. Not only did he find bunk beds for the boys, but the youth pastor found a bed for me as well!!

Lord, I asked…You answered. You came up BIG for me. THANK YOU.

I am so overwhelmed with happiness.

Lord, I know I’ve asked some really big-ask prayers lately and I thank you for allowing others the opportunity to bless my life and my kids lives and thank you for having them choose me and the boys to bless with their radical generosity. I will continue to serve you Lord, and to bless those I am able to with my unique gifts you have blessed me with. Continue to light my path Lord so I can follow You and hear your call. Amen

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones may break my bones…

But words cause wounds that may never heal, they leave scars that nobody can see except for those who see inside me…those who dare look into my heart, my soul…they see that words HAVE hurt, have wounded, have changed me.

I can’t stop crying today…every time I turn around, the hurt returns…standing in church, singing about God’s mercy and grace…and I am in tears…sitting beside The Friend’s eight year old boy T (same age as B1), and I am doing everything in my power to not wrap this child in my arms because not only do I love him to bits and pieces, his presence SCREAMS that my boys are not with me.

I had decided on Friday that I had three days to return to the living…

Day 1: Retreat. I cried myself to sleep, didn’t leave the apartment after the boys left , and just felt like shit all day. Cried some more…ate Little Debbie Swiss Rolls (my self-pity food).

Day 2: Recoup. Slept, ate, showered, and not much else.

Day 3: Rejoin. The plan was to rejoin life today. I thought church would be a great start. A safe place, a peaceful place. It was a great service (the youth ministry is in charge of the service when it is the fifth Sunday in a month). They done good!! It was interesting how they used the scripture today. I had another take that could also make a wonderful lesson…I’ll share that when I am done with this post.

The Friend saw in the announcements that the church is looking for volunteers to make meals for families with new babies, deaths, etc. and suggested we should do that. I said we could make beef stroganoff…she said, “you can make it, I’ll boil the noodles.” LOL Then she said she could make bread…homemade bread and beef stroganoff…YUM!!!

On this day, when I am doing everything I can to rejoin the real world (I return to work tomorrow after a week off as well), my heart is hurting and I am working so hard at letting it go.

Yesterday, Mr. Ex put this as his Facebook status:

Well not only is it a bad day because I had to send mom back to Rochester, but as I am going through my mail from the time I was gone, I find a letter stating that a certain individual is attempting to use the fact that I spent the last 26 days at my mothers side while battling cancer.  
Say and do what you will, but wouldn’t do it different even if I knew this was coming.  I just pray you never have to go through the same experience with one of your parents! However, if you do, I bet you do the same thing!!!!
 This is over the top!!!  Couldn’t help but spew!!!!

This is not uncommon for him to tie me to the stake in this fashion. You’d think I’d be used to it…water off a duck’s back, right?? People are smart enough to see his rant as unproductive and not in the best interests of our kids, right? People are smart enough AND brave enough to tell him that bashing me on facebook is detrimental to our children…that it will have an effect on their lives as people outside of our marriage become entangled in a fight that is not theirs to fight. SOMEBODY will tell him that allowing our older children to watch him disembowel me in a public forum will forever damage relationships and nobody wins…SOMEBODY will stick up for me…right???

Instead…his friends start the bashing right along side of him…

it takes a ballsy person or should I say a retarded person with no fucking heart to use something like that against u for being there for the one that brought u into this world…..and standing by her side through thick and thin just remember we will always back u in this household and it will never change especially after a fucking stunt like this BULLSHIT…….

This from a person who has two children in class with B2…who both boys spend time with…really? This is NOT going to affect our boys?? Are you SURE?

One person who is a friend made a comment ONLY about praying for his mom. I sent her the following message PRIVATELY:

just wanted to let you know that I am not using the fact that he was in rochester with his mom…I only mentioned to the judge the fact that he had no problem leaving the boys with me for 26 days after begging the court for custody because I am an unfit mother…

he can’t be so afraid for their safety in my care and then dump them on my door step for a month…while he spends his weekends golfing with his brother…he could have had the boys go to visit him and chose to not allow them to…
All this from the man who had no issue using my diary’s from when I was in treatment to gain custody in the first place…
 
Yes…he did that. I admitted myself to a mental health facility two years ago with a severe episode of depression. When I returned home, he took my diaries and not only shared them with his friends and family, admitted them to court to show my ‘instability’ as a mother. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I may have been sick, but damnit, it was ME who drove myself almost three hours from home and followed my treatment plan TO THE LETTER to get myself better and return home. Nearly TWO YEARS LATER, he uses stuff I wrote when I was in my deepest darkest place…as if I was still there in that dark hole…and the judge (whom I choose to believe erred on the side of caution for the sake of my children) bought it all…hook, line, and sinker…speaking of which…I think The Friend and I are going fishing later…I can’t wait.
 
Anyway, I am GLAD that nobody ‘took my side’ on his status. I don’t need it and it will only lead to MORE drama, MORE broken friendships and relationships. I have no need to defend myself based on half truths…I don’t owe anybody but my children an explaination for my decisons…in 5, 10, 30 years I will STILL be able to look my children in the eyes and say I did everything I could to make this divorce as easy on them as I could. That I made choices only with their best interest in mind. That I refused to be guided by anger or hurt as I made decisions that would shape the course of their lives.
 
I am thankful for those who have checked in on me PRIVATELY. I am so thankful to have surrounded myself with people who have no need whatsoever to beat another person down to make themselves feel better. I don’t need to name call, and neither do my friends. We see a sick and angry man…and pray for peace in his heart.
 
My personal facebook status last night (after much deep breathing and fighting the urge to lash out was this:
I’ve never understood how strangers can judge a person based on one persons perspective…
 
Today…as my heart works through the hurt, it is this:
Some days…no matter how ‘big’ I am, I just need my mommy…she can make everything better…everytime…
 
I’m waiting for one of my family members to make a fat joke about being ‘big.’ We are awesome like that.

Thoughts

One thing I have been working on with my therapist is to overcome my self-imposed limitations based on others perceived perception of me…if that makes sense. She sees in me great gifts, I see them as well…I just don’t know how or where to cultivate them.

I have wonderful insight, the gift of gab (it’s a blessing/it’s a curse), I have a mind that remains open enough not only to listen to other peoples thoughts, but to understand them, the ability to put myself in their shoes.

I can meet people where they are, I can guide them, I can help to open their minds to things they, at one time, would never consider. I have opened my own mind to so much in the last few years. I am not anywhere close to the person I had become in my marriage.

I am very much the person I was when I got married, yet more refined, more accepting, more supportive, more calculating…I don’t like that word…makes me sound like I’m trying to get one over on somebody when that is not my intention at all.

I’m learning how to pick my battles in life. I don’t always pick the right ones…but I try. I try to weigh all my options, look at how this will look a week down the road, a month, a year…even ten or twenty years down the road.

Right now I know I am biding my time until the divorce is final, I am waiting to make some pretty big life choices until I see the hand I am dealing with. I understand I have spent a majority of the last two years biding my time, but at least now I know that the end is near.

Our divorce trial is set for September. Everything will be settled at that time. I will be free to move on to the next phase of my life, knowing I gave this phase my all, that I gave it everything I had.

One of the problems I am facing though is, which direction do I want to go, and time is running out to make up my mind. After September it is going to be ‘balls to the wall’ in my life, which ever direction it is headed, I just think I need to have some direction in mind, because there is really only one factor that will decide the next chapter of my life and that is whether or not the children live with me full time. Who gets the house, or how much debt I get stuck with matters little. Only where my children will spend the majority of their time and I believe that it is in their best interests that they reside with me. I will advocate for them to the best of my ability to ensure that their needs are met.

The Park

Not the kind of park you are thinking of…

I just finished my talk for today and I knocked it out of the park. There were 24 patients today and every one of them was engaged and responsive. Today was also the first time I felt my hour melt away.

I had gone there today expecting a small group again as I had last week and for most of the same patients. My plan was to talk about expectaions. What they could expect during early recovery and what others may expect of them. I was going to talk about how one of the best ways to stay well was to stop caring what others thought…

While I was driving down (126 miles gives much time for thought, planning and relection) I decided that I needed to hit on patient education. I made a rough outline of what they needed to take responsibility for during their own recovery.

When I walked in, I was greeted by a crowd nearly twice the size of last week and only five or six of them from the previous week. Patient education was going to be a great idea.

~~~

…as I’m typing this, I just recieved a text from the ex…Boy 1 has a concert in an hour and a half…the first I’ve been told of this…I am THREE HOURS away. If I had known ahead of time, I would have been able to leave Fargo as soon as I was done my talk and made it back in time for the concert…now, it is too late. I am disappointed, I am worried about the message this will send to Boy 1…my child who needs all the reassurance and love that can be handed right now…and Mom is missing his year end concert.

My ‘old brain’ wants to blame the ex…say that this is just his way of manipulating me out of their lives…but I can’t know that for sure…for all I know it was a simple oversight. I cannot read his mind and cannot decide what his motives are…I’d LIKE to…but I can’t.

So right now…I will accept the things I cannot change…I cannot make the concert; because I have the wisdom to know that I cannot change this one. My heart hurts. myhearthurts

~~~

Now I need to decide if I can finish my earlier post, or do I throw in the towel for today and just head home.

I’m in tears now…

I am not going to sit in a book store and cry as I write…it will not get me anywhere. Instead, I am going to wander the store for a little while as I clear my head, and then go home.

I still did great today, I will not let this overshadow my awesome job earlier today…I ROCK.

Dear Boy 1,

I am sorry that I can’t be at your concert tonight. I was unaware that it was tonight and I am too far away to make it back there in time. I will make sure that Daddy records it for me so I can still see your performance. I can’t wait to watch it with you.

It is not your fault that I am not there, it is nobody’s fault. Sometimes just mom gets to be at stuff and sometimes just dad, and sometimes both of us. I love you more than summer.

Love,

Mom

What I would say if he were here right now..

Love you Bubba…

Bittersweet

Who do you tell when there’s nothing to say?
Do you give it to God and then walk away?
Do you hide under blankets shaking with fear?
Do you cry in the night when no one is near?
The time will come to rise again
Knowing who has been a friend
Never pushing when you’re down
But sitting with you on the ground
To bring you back to your feet
And showing you change is
Bittersweet.