Shopping

This week I plan to pick up most of the gifts needed for Christmas…B1 is getting a box series of Harry Potter, some Lego’s, and a few other small things. B2 will be getting new hockey socks (to match his travel, in house and practice jerseys), Nerf ammo, and I dunno what else. The girl will get a month of her cell phone paid.

My church paid my rent for December to make sure that I had funds to buy gifts for them. They cannot even begin to know how that gesture helps the over all picture of getting back on our feet.

I will have two paychecks in December totaling about $500…that will help us start to get out feet back under us.

I have a trip back to Mayo at the end of the month (before Christmas) for follow ups.

Life is starting to look somewhat normal again. I’d like to be working more but know that I physically just can’t do it. It’s  difficult not being able to go full speed yet.

I’m hoping that by summer I can have most of my strength back. Then I will have to undergo the reconstruction phase and that will keep me down for the most of the summer. My prayer is to be ice-ready for the end of October.

Being a coach means I get some fees waived (registration with USA Hockey and coaching clinic fees) plus I get a free coat and a waiver for concession hours. One of our major fundraisers is working concessions for the high school hockey games. We receive 13% of each till’s receipts. Each player must cover 12 hours of concessions up to a family cap of 24 hours.

As somebody donated B2’s hockey registration fees this year, I have opted to work a few shifts to help out.

Just a rambling post…but it’s a post.

 

Advertisements

Today it Becomes Real

Today, after work and school, the boys and I are going to the hair salon. B2 is getting a haircut he so desperately needs, B1 needs one but isn’t getting one. I am getting my head shaved.

Today it becomes real and tangible and visible that Mom has cancer…and B1 is afraid. It’s one step closer to the end of the journey for me, to him it is reality slapping him in the face…HARD.

We went for some Mom and Me time last night…we both got pedicures and had an absolute blast just being silly and caring and serious, and just being US.

I am trying to make the best of a shitty situation…for all of us. I am also trying to make it less scary for them. I also have to make sure I respect each of their fears, their thought processes, their ages, their concerns…it’s not easy.

B2 is super excited about helping to shave my head. B1 is hating that it even has to be done…I have to be the mom to both kids…and sometimes in the exact same minute…enjoying it with one, and mourning with the other.

So…today it becomes real.

Finally, Merry Chrsitmas

So many people have made this Christmas exactly what it is supposed to be about…loving one another. We have gone from nothing to everything I could ever dream of.

I am not one of those parents who has to buy a million things for my kids at Christmas. I am fine with them opening up a few meaningful gifts as opposed to the endless gifts that some families do. B1 will get a long awaited for scooter and B2 a guitar that he has had his eye on for more than a year…you know it’s important when a child wants it that long. They will also both get 2 Hot Wheels in their stockings from Santa (a gift he brings every year) and a fleece blanket for Mom’s house. B1 will also get some underwear as we noticed the other day he seems to have too few pair.

The blanket is because that is the only thing that they have to haul back and forth from Dad’s house every week. This way, they only need to throw the Kinnect for the X-box into one of the backpacks and then I won’t even have to stop and see their father every week! so things are definitely looking up.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. We don’t have anything planned so it will just be more of the same…UNO (the current favorite household hit) and maybe some ice fishing if the weather cooperates. I am taking the boys shopping tomorrow to buy something for each other. My sister had sent them each $10 USD and then she suggested to use it to buy them something small. It was then that I came up with the idea of them buying something for each other. I am taking one boy and a friend has agreed to take the other…I’m sure they will each know what they got each other before we even get home…but it’s the thought that counts! LOL

Depending how tomorrow goes, Santa might be bringing me a year of Xbox Live and Netflix, but we’ll see…he might have to leave me an IOU for now. The ex is picking the boys up at 9am Christmas morning to begin his week. He was to pick them up yesterday morning to start his week but ‘offered’ to let me keep them (so he wouldn’t have to pay for two full days of childcare). Another day with my boys is NEVER a bad thing.

B1 did ask if they were staying extra at dad’s to make up for the missed days and I told him that no, when dad chooses to not take days, they are simply missed, there is no making up when it is a choice to give up the day. I explained that if it were something like he was sick and didn’t have a choice I would let him make it up but not when he just wants to leave them with me. It was extremely difficult to find the right words to use as I didn’t want to use trigger words such as “doesn’t want you” or things of that nature. B1 has enough issues, he doesn’t need me feeding his inadequacy fears.

Tomorrow will be about making new memories, maybe some cookies (but don’t hold your breath, I am NOT Betty Crocker). Brownie in a mug, we can do…cookies from scratch…that’s pushing it.

Thank you all for your prayers, love, support, and most of all for keeping me on the right track. I couldn’t do this alone!!

The Last Monday

Today is my last Monday at my current job and the busiest day of the week for this place. There are 52 check-ins to process today. Of those 52, many of them will check in on my shift just because I have ‘trained them’ to check in when they get to town as opposed to after work to save the second shift person a huge rush when everybody gets finished with work. It will be my last time checking in ‘my people.’

Most of them already know I am leaving but there was a guest who returned over the weekend (his company had been working here all summer but they having been working another project away from here for the last couple of weeks) and when I told him this morning that Thursday was my last day all he had to say was, “Oh, Sh!t, I don’t like that idea at all.”

I feel bad for the guests who have come to rely on me to get things done for them. They know their rooms will be ready when they get here, that they will have the rooms they prefer, that I will go in and turn on the AC for them while they are at work if it is a hot day.

I have a painting company right now that loves to give me crap about the little things I take care of for them; one of the rooms needs a rollaway and housekeeping doesn’t seem to understand that this also means an extra person in the room so I always go in to make sure that they are left extra towels, soaps, shampoo, etc. I mean REALLY?? How hard is that to figure out. Well, every now and then I get busy and forget to make sure it is put in the room and these boys have NO PROBLEM trying to make me feel like crap. I tell them that if I HAD a heart it would hurt when they give me a hard time, but we all know I don’t! lol This group sent one of their new hires to the front desk one morning because he locked all the keys in their room. He came to me and I looked at him with a straight face and said, “Awwww and you think I care, that’s cute.” I thought the poor kid was gonna cry.

Last night The Boyfriend called me on his lunch break, it was good to see him after the pity party I held for myself yesterday. I told him that taking the boys home early (even if it was only 4.5 hours early) is so very hard on me. There was a festival in their town and the parade and everything that had been scheduled for Saturday was postponed to Sunday. They wanted to spend the day enjoying the festivities and I agreed to take them home early so they could do that with their dad. We watched the parade together and then I took them home.

I do this for them. Although I know divorce means that they will sometimes miss out on a few things, I do what I can to make sure they can still take part in most of it. This is a sacrifice I make, and the price my heart pays is a very high one…that’s my job, to pay the price so they don’t have to. They are paying a high enough price for everything else in their life that they have no control over, why make them pay unnecessarily?

The Boyfriend tells me all the time how proud he is of me for doing all I do. He encourages me that the boys will see things for what they are in their own time. I know this is true, and that’s why I try to not sway them in any particular direction, I follow their leads, their moods, their needs.

Yesterday morning Bubba was having a tough time…the schedule was changed, he was going home early. He wanted to go home early, he knew how fun it was going to be, but even a small, positive change is still a change and he doesn’t do well with change. I tried to tell his dad to be mindful that day as I related our morning and he just blew it off, “He seems fine to me.” He will never understand.

I’ll put money on that little man calling me tonight crying for something…

My last of three job interviews today. I am excited and a little nervous. Everything will be exactly as it is supposed to be and will work out perfectly. I am confident of that.

Bridges

This was written October 24, 2011. I have edited it, but the message is the same.

I work very hard at forgiving others for their actions against me. A complete forgiveness should absolve them of their negative actions, right? I start to wonder about how to move forward. If they are forgiven completely, doesn’t that mean that it is erased as if it never happened? Or does it mean that the lesson is learned and you move forward based on that life lesson?

I don’t hold grudges; they are a waste of time and energy and a thief of serenity. I am also not willing to put myself in harms way. I forgive the person who took my virginity in an agonizing act of rape…but I sure as hell never saw him again. I forgave my big brother for knocking three of my teeth loose in the seventh grade…and I learned to never make him say ‘please’ again when he asked for his stuff back.

Maybe it is just that these are lessons that shape us and our path in life. Maybe once the bridge is burned, it is possible to rebuild the bridge, but it takes a lot of hard work, and time. Once a bridge is burned you can’t immediately return to the site of the fire because of the lingering smoke and potential for flare ups. You can purchase materials for the rebuild and leave them in a safe place.

If the person on the other side does not allow you to rebuild the bridge, at least you have done everything in your power to allow for the rebuild. The other person cannot complain that he no longer has a bridge if you offered to rebuild, and bought the materials. You then can have a clear conscious moving forward. It is your job at that point to move on. If you have honestly and completely come to an understanding of why and how you burned the bridge in the first place, your job is to admit the mistake and take steps to put the bridge back where it was.

I’ve been that person on the other side and there are times when there is no way in hell that the bridge burner is stepping foot on my land. Leave the damn materials on the side of the road, if I choose to use them, I will. If not, I can’t bitch that my bridge is gone forever if the material rots on the side of the road. Whatever you do, do NOT even think about trying to build that bridge without my permission…you will be shot on site.

As the bridge burner you must also be aware that I very well may use those materials to build a wall to keep you off my property forever. That is a chance you will have to take, and a very good probability that this is exactly what I will use the materials for.

As the person whose bridge was burnt, I also need to be mindful that once the materials rot there may never be the chance to rebuild that bridge…the burner may also choose to move on.

Personally, I do my best at allowing the bridges to be rebuilt. It is not uncommon though for me to post the rules for crossing the bridge at the entrance, and this helps prevent a reoccurrence.

 

An Open Letter to My Daughter

I don’t even know how to explain this one…not here, in words; not to my heart. It’s just not an option.

Oh hell my heart…

Dear Miss Bug,

If I didn’t believe in my heart of hearts that you are going to be okay, eventually…this would kill me. You are young. You can get through this…you WILL get through this.

PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder; they are mere labels placed upon you to enable the medical community to care best for you. They do NOT define you. YOU are a smart young woman.

Please allow those around you to support your good decisions and to question your questionable ones. That’s our job. Do not push away those who care. The negative ones who cause or feed drama just to watch the aftermath; ignore them. They are not worth your time, your energy, your sanity, your inner peace.

Understand that the rules in place now that I am enforcing are MUCH harder to enforce than I make it look. While I tell you that you cannot stay with me, it is with a heavy heart. My heart aches to watch you walk the path you are on.

I know how you feel kid…twenty years ago, I was you. I was in almost the exact same shoes. The difference is, I allowed myself to make decisions out of desperation and fear.

You deserve better. Do not allow fear to prevent you from doing what you know is right. Being alone sucks, being with somebody who leaves you lonely…even worse.

Stand up to your fears…what is the WORST case scenario…seriously. Figure those things out. Figure them out on your terms.

I love you more than Nutella, Skittles, playoff hockey, and Little Debbie Swiss Rolls combined…seriously.

As I told you in the message I sent you last night, “I do love you Miss B and that will never change. I’ve been where you are. SLOW DOWN. I know, easier said than done when you are hurting and lonely and only want somebody to love you…that is not love though. You need to love God first and then yourself. You need to turn your will and your life over to the care and control of God and trust that He knows what He is doing.”

Spend your time in prayer little girl. Study the Bible, allow it to bring you peace. If you need guidance finding scriptures that fit your situation call Pastor Jeff. Call your photographer (she’s awesome at this kind of thing). Pray for peace, courage, and wisdom.

TAKE NOTES. When you find a piece of scripture that speaks to your heart, write it down. Carry it with you, in your phone, your iPod, your damn pocket on a napkin of Bubba and Bum’s snot if you have to.

Spend time in thoughtful prayer. Pray for yourself, for your family, for your friends, for your enemies. Your brothers both love it when people encourage their faith; pray with them. Teach them how to talk to God, how to walk with God.

FORGIVE those who have hurt you. Holding on to the pain is not hurting them, it is only holding you back, weighing you down. Remember, when you choose to forgive you are not granting them freedom, you are reclaiming yours.

Never forget that you are worth the effort people put in to helping you to live a happy and full life. You are young. If people are willing to put the effort out, ALLOW THEM. Do not push away those are trying to and can help. Although the easy path is filled with people who are more than willing to lead you astray, don’t take the short cut. Trust me, it’s not worth it.

You’ve seen the hard work that goes in to walking the high road…guess what, the scenery over here is amazing. The sites, the sounds, the experiences; you cannot get this on Easy Street.

Lean on me, my girl. That’s what my shoulders are here for. I’m a big girl, I can take it. I can also hold you accountable…and will continue to do so; and will do it out of love.

Take Care Miss Bug, I’m right here.

Love,

Mom

Exhausted

The hardest job a parent has is being consistant. Tonight I am doing what needs to be done. It is tearing at every fiber of my heart. It has nearly crippled me into submission. For the sake of my child I cannot stop now.

My daughter showed up on my doorstep last night saying she needed to stay here for a couple hours…she fed me a bullshit story. I didn’t buy her story, but wanted to see where it went.

Of course she was still here when I got up this morning. I had slept in and told her several times as I was getting dressed to move it; no way in hell was she staying here while I was at work. As I was already late, and she was moving slower than molasses in December I yelled at her to move her ass. She yelled back. I said, “Oh no, little girl, this is my house, my rules and I have to go, move your damn ass and let’s go.”

When she was finished work she sent me a text: I’m done. I ignored it. She then called twice. I didn’t pick up the phone. She was expecting things to return to what she left last week when I would pick her up after work. Not happening sweet pea. She walked over here and I let her knock on the door a few times before answering.

As I was not ready to confront her at that time I let it go. She went into the bedroom without saying a word to me. I went back to watching TV and fell sleep (I’m a bachelorette, it’s what I do).

I rested and woke up ready to take on the world…and my daughter.

I went in to the bedroom and asked when she was leaving. She simply replied that she wasn’t sure. I told her to get her ass out of bed and to get out here in to the living room.

I quizzed her on what her plan was. I told her she was not welcome to stay here, “You cannot call me a c*nt on Facebook on Sunday and expect to just come in and eat my food and stay at my house on Wednesday.” Of course, she rolled her eyes at me…helping to strengthen my resolve.

I said she can spend tonight but that she was to be gone tomorrow after work and to not bother expecting me to pick her up after work as I am not her taxi service. I also let her know that she was to be ready to leave the apartment by 6:45 am tomorrow morning.

She has burned this bridge and without even trying to repair it she figured she could merely take the long way around. I don’t work like that. Not today, not ever.

I have enough on my plate right now, I certainly do not need this.