Before the End

Part of moving on after a failed relationship is doing a thorough evaluation of the facts; a relationship autopsy if you will. I had done this already to a certain extent. I have decided to go over my previous postmortem which was likely done while still angry and in denial.

I think I am ready too move on, I feel better equipped at this point to ask myself the hard questions.

One of the first questions I asked myself is whether or not I would have married the ex if I could go back and start over.

Even if I didn’t know how this would end, I wouldn’t. It was claret to me early on that there were issues that may be insurmountable.

I even wondered aloud to the pastor we saw for premarital counseling if we were only getting married because we were too afraid of being alone. I felt like he blew those fears off.

We were first supposed to get married in Sept 1999. The invitations had been ordered and were sitting in a box in my living room.

In May, my daughter and I were visiting him for her birthday. It was then that he told me he didn’t want anymore children.

We had long before had this discussion because I knew that was a deal breaker for me. I wanted more children and if he didn’t then he was not my soul mate. For him to spring this on me four months before our wedding date was difficult. We called off the wedding and ended the relationship.

As he and my daughter had a close bond, and he was the only dad she knew, I allowed him to stay in contact with her. They talked a couple times a week through the summer and she even went to stay with him for a couple weeks, she was four.

That August, I received notice from a college I had applied to that I was being offered a seat in a class I had originally been told had a two year waiting list. The catch? I had to be moved, 500 miles and find housing, daycare, etc within 13 days.

On our first night in the new apartment, he drove up to see us. Looking back now, I know the only reason I allowed him in the door that night was because I was alone, in a big city, and nervous as heck. That Christmas we announced to my family that we were, once again planning on getting married.

He vowed that yes, he did want more children, and if that was the only thing keeping us from happily ever after it was a non-issue. we decided to wait a couple years and get our feet under us as a married couple and a blended family.

Fast forward to just after our second anniversary and I was ready to start trying to have our first baby. It was at this time he decided to tell me that he had changed his mind and that no, he would NOT be having anymore children. Not with me, or anybody. He scheduled an appointment for a vasectomy consult and invited me to attend it with him. The doctor asked me if I wanted to hear the risk/benefits over female sterilization and I calmly, with tears in my eyes, told him no, I didn’t care for either option. The doc looked at him and asked if he was prepared for a divorce. He said, “Well, that’s where I see this going anyway.” The doctor told him to come back when it was final, and walked out of the room.

It was at this time that I knew divorce was inevitable. I wish I had gone through with it then, but I had a few more lessons to learn, apparently. I planned to have all our bills paid off so we could both walk away with a clean slate and knew it would take about a year.

I no longer was in love with my husband. I was no longer married in my eyes. I couldn’t stand to hardly look at him when he was home and thankfully he worked away from home most of that winter. I rarely answered his phone calls and went to work getting things paid off. When he would come home, I was cold, uncaring, and made it clear that this was HIS decision.

I had made it more than clear that I wanted more children, I was not giving that up for anybody. I had already moved 600 miles from my family, friends, and lifestyle to marry him, at least he could give me this one gift.

Then I became pregnant with Sam. Although he tried to be diligent about birth control methods, there were times he was not.

His first question to me when I told him I was pregnant was, “Is it even mine?” Now, I have two sisters and four brothers, played all kinds of sports growing up, drank and got rowdy in my ‘younger’ years…I don’t think I have ever slapped anybody as hard as I slapped him, right there in the parking lot of our workplace. Looking back, it’s the one time I wish I would have punched him…and probably would have knocked him out, and it would have been well worth it. I can’t deny I had a pretty violent streak in my younger days. I didn’t get in a lot of fights, and never anything that led to serious harm…but I did have a great swing…

I should have taken him at his word the first time he told me he didn’t want kids. I think he changed his mind only because he didn’t want to be single. I think he figured that once we were together, I would never just ‘fall in line. Apparently he didn’t understand the word deal breaker…

Well, now here I was pregnant and we now had no option but to make this thing work. We raced in to marriage counseling, had a plan in place, and were ready to tackle our issues head on. We got rid of the kids for the weekend and spent the entire time working through and discussing our issues. We came out of that weekend with a renewed commitment, a new start, a fresh love.

On Tuesday morning Sam died.

We saw this as a sign that we really were in love and that the pregnancy and subsequent loss was just a note from God telling us to get our shit together. I wonder now if losing Sam was God’s way of telling me it was not too late to get out; that he was not the right man for me…

Begin Again

I don’t even know how I’m going to get y’all caught up on the awesomeness that has been my last week, but I will try my best.

FIRST…yes, I remembered to wear a sweatshirt to blog today no thanks to any reminders from my friends who read this blog…LOL

Life is about to make some HUGE changes for me. The hearing we had in July was FINALLY ruled on. The judge has changed the custody arrangement to give me 50% parenting time!! WOO HOO. I have to admit, it’s not ALL good though. My boys go to school in a town 22 miles from where I was able to find housing when I was forced to move out in April. I am responsible for transportation on the weeks they are in my care (one week at mom’s, one week and dad’s is the new arrangement).

So for those days I will have to drive 22 miles to take them to school, 22 miles back to town to go to work and then make that trip again at the end of the day to pick them up. This is not going to be easy on me or our budget. Right now I drive a mini-van. I am looking at selling it and getting a more economical vehicle just for the increased mileage. It’s just the boys and I for now, we don’t need a mini-van.

Their father is, shall I say, less than enthused about this new arrangement. No…he is PISSED. Not only does he lose the power over me of deciding when and where I see my children, he knows that Bubba will become much more defiant while he is at dad’s because I encourage him to speak up for himself and for what he believes is right. It’s easy to ‘beat’ that out of a child when they only get reinforcements for 2 days out of 14. When it’s 50/50 there could be trouble.

Bum already says he just wants to go to school in my town (unfortunately he has no say and for ‘right now’ I am not pushing the issue until a few more kinks are finalized).

The ex also has to pay me $1500 in alimony (for the first three months I was out of the house). He is not impressed with this either. I have no idea when this money will show up but I DO know that it will be a great big help with the increased expenses of having the boys for 7 days instead of 2.

The kids are excited to be able to attend church one more night each week (the Monday evening service). They are also excited that they now have access to things such as Boy Scouts, 4-h, AWANA, tae-kwon-do, and many other activities not available in their dad’s town.

I imagine that Bum will be wanting to  spend more and more time at my house and eventually free enough to request to not to return to his dad’s for the week days. I also believe that Dad, having no more control over the situation, will allow this to happen and eventually walk out on his boys. He did the same thing when his first ex-wife moved out of town with the children from his first marriage. He used the distance (22 miles) as an excuse to not be involved in their daily lives.

He has voiced his concern a number of times since the order came to light on Friday about how awful this is going to be for the boys…how tough it was going to be on me. Ya, like that’s EVER been his concern. My willingness to put these children ahead of everything else in my life only reflects back to him his own shortcomings as far as parenting them.

I’m not a super mom…just a mom who will move heaven and earth (and super sleepy boys at 0715) to be able to spend even a few extra evening hours with them. I am willing to cut out all my extra spending (even considering reducing my bowling commitment, maybe only bowling every other week or less) just to get ahead of the budget once I get back to work.

The change also comes at a time when both boys have birthday’s coming up (Bum in November, Bubba in December) plus Christmas so the budget is gonna be a challenge to say the least. Bubba is looking forward to being an integral part of financial planning. He loves that kind of thing. He loves setting goals and meeting them ahead of schedule. He has already learned the rewards of budgeting and planning. I love that kid’s brain!!

As far as the bunk beds donated to the boys…THEY CAME WITH MATTRESSES!!! I almost cried when the man dropped them off to our home. Super happy little men to sleep in actual beds for the first time at mom’s house. For their birthday’s I will be buying them each new bedding for their beds and donating our gently used items to the local woman’s shelter.

So much more going on, the job, the kids, the church, my friends…and it’s all good.

The boyfriend is safe and busier than you (or I) can imagine. Communication blackouts are more frequent lately for whatever reason and there are days that is hard on me. He is not surprised at the order and sees it as a stepping stone to the boys being with me full time by the time this divorce is final. I believe this as well…but my heart is a little more guarded about saying that out loud.

My laptop part may no longer be available so I am without a computer at home until further notice. Far from the top of my list of priorities…but it will be on the wish list the boys and I work on when we start our new budget!! I have not seen The Boyfriend for a month now and I won’t lie, it’s TOUGH. I send him pictures of the boys and I and the things we do…a taste of home I guess I see it as. We’ll be fine, we didn’t come this far for nothing. He still has more than six months on this deployment and although time has been going pretty fast, there are still days that take weeks to get through.

My heart is full, and happy. Change is tough, it’s hard, it’s challenging, and it’s exciting.

Where was I

Oh ya…talking the eight year old out of Pepsi for breakfast, I quit my job, The Boyfriend’s deployment was extended, and my laptop was broke.

Well the eight year old is coming home tonight for the weekend and there is still Pepsi in the fridge, I finished work and have taken on the role of early retirement quite well, The Boyfriend is safe, and the laptop is still broke. It is a $5 part on back order (we are talking WEEKS). So although not much has changed, much has happened.

I will break this up into a few different posts and schedule them to post over the next few days so that you don’t have to read them all at once!!

My last week of work strengthened my belief that I was doing exactly the right thing for myself and my kids. I was filled with a renewed sense of hope and love and purpose. My coworkers expressed their sadness at my departure while my boss remained mostly silent (except for asking when I would be able to fill in on a part time basis). He still does not believe I quit and I have heard that he has told several people that I am merely taking a few weeks off and will be returning. One co worker bought an ice cream cake that we shared together (yep, two of us and an ice cream cake). Another coworker hand made me a basket that is absolutely amazing…I will post a picture of it, there is no way to explain the work of art that it is. Another worker brought cupcakes on my last day of which I ate four (ya, it’s ok, you can be jealous, I would be!) When she was leaving work that day she went out to her vehicle and returned with a gift. It is a beautiful jewelry set (necklace and earrings). So amazingly beautiful and thoughtful. I am one lucky woman!!

I don’t think I did ANYTHING productive on my first day off. I did meet with the Lunch Lady on Friday night I think we may have played Bingo…I remember we were at the Eagles Club…I don’t think we played bingo though…funny. Ran into some people I hadn’t seen in a a long time though and met a new woman who I think is going to be my awesomely awesome friend for a VERY long time…but for the life of me I CANNOT seem to find a name that fits her for the blog…her husband (whom I’ve never met is already Soldier Boy as he is a member of the Army National Guard), and one of the guys that we were talking to that night has inherited the name Sausage Man (don’t ask, it’s worse than anything you can imagine!) He used to work with my ex-husband and he and I have always gotten along so well. It was fun to rekindle that friendship that night. He also knows the ‘real’ me. Not the me I turned in to to try to save my marriage, this person knows my parents, has had supper in their home, he knows ME…and likes me anyway!! He and I had a great time catching up.

OH YA…Friday I went and helped the Lunch Lady set up for a rummage sale at the elementary school, it’s an annual event where you can get a table and there are tons of people there with all their stuff. I was bored and offered to help her set up. After we decided to go (with this other lady who is friends with the Lunch Lady) for a drink before heading home. Who knew that sending The Lunch Lady a simple text would forever change my life by introducing me to a woman who is AS crazy (if not more) than myself.  We decided that Saturday we would all get together and play bingo together and have a night out.  Home in bed by 9:30…I know, a late night for me!! The boyfriend was super happy that I had gone out and enjoyed myself. He knows weekends without the boys are difficult and I think he is a little worried about me not filling my time in a good way now that I am not working. They are real concerns, and ones that, come Saturday I even began to have myself.

Saturday morning the boys had sign up for the youth bowling league. Their dad brought them and nearly immediately Bum was in my lap and cuddled up as cuddled as a boy can be…he misses his mama.  Dad was busy in the other room getting them registered while Bubba, their cousin, and their sister (my step daughter) decided to bowl a few games. Bum couldn’t find a proper ball (the alley no longer has 6 lbs balls and he refuses to throw with two hands so an 8 lbs ball is a bit much for him. This started a pout…back on mama’s knee and curled up in a ball. Then Dad came out to where we all were. Bum and I were discussing going shopping just to get out of there for a little while and that immediately went out the window when Dad was back in sight. When Dad is around, he is different. it is heartbreaking. He now wants nothing to do with me. Instead of making things worse I tell Bubba that I will talk to him later and that I have some things to do and give hugs and kisses. I give Bum a big hug and tell him how much I love him. “How much Mom?” …More than mushroom soup…

I went home, and pouted…he doesn’t act like that when he is on my time, only when he is on dad’s time. When he is on my time if we run into dad, he has no problem showing love to both of us…when he is on dad’s time it’s like he has to choose, and it’s so sad to watch. I vented to The Boyfriend for a little while and then posted “Off the grid for the day, some days are just that hard, please do not disturb” as my Facebook status. My heart was hurting and I was going to let it.

Well, apparently the Lunch Lady missed that post and the ‘new girl’ didn’t know (or care) what I was doing, I got a text later saying to get my ass to bingo (in ALL CAPS). It was from the new girl. I asked if I was allowed to shower first and was told yes.

BEST DECISION EVER (no, not showering, going out). I was the designated driver and we played bingo in two different locations and then visited two other bars before getting home AT 1:30 AM!! I don’t even remember the last time I stayed out that late!

A few days later I saw something that said something to the effect that missing somebody when you are lonely was easy, it really means something when you miss them even when you are having a good time. At the second bar I had wi-fi access and spend a good deal of time chatting with the Boyfriend. The best of both worlds…it was like he was right there with me.

I am at the public library writing this and computer usage is limited to one hour so I will end this post here. I have seven minutes left…

The boys and I will be at the library tomorrow so I can post while they do their thing. Take Care everybody…the story only gets better from here!!

The Last Monday

Today is my last Monday at my current job and the busiest day of the week for this place. There are 52 check-ins to process today. Of those 52, many of them will check in on my shift just because I have ‘trained them’ to check in when they get to town as opposed to after work to save the second shift person a huge rush when everybody gets finished with work. It will be my last time checking in ‘my people.’

Most of them already know I am leaving but there was a guest who returned over the weekend (his company had been working here all summer but they having been working another project away from here for the last couple of weeks) and when I told him this morning that Thursday was my last day all he had to say was, “Oh, Sh!t, I don’t like that idea at all.”

I feel bad for the guests who have come to rely on me to get things done for them. They know their rooms will be ready when they get here, that they will have the rooms they prefer, that I will go in and turn on the AC for them while they are at work if it is a hot day.

I have a painting company right now that loves to give me crap about the little things I take care of for them; one of the rooms needs a rollaway and housekeeping doesn’t seem to understand that this also means an extra person in the room so I always go in to make sure that they are left extra towels, soaps, shampoo, etc. I mean REALLY?? How hard is that to figure out. Well, every now and then I get busy and forget to make sure it is put in the room and these boys have NO PROBLEM trying to make me feel like crap. I tell them that if I HAD a heart it would hurt when they give me a hard time, but we all know I don’t! lol This group sent one of their new hires to the front desk one morning because he locked all the keys in their room. He came to me and I looked at him with a straight face and said, “Awwww and you think I care, that’s cute.” I thought the poor kid was gonna cry.

Last night The Boyfriend called me on his lunch break, it was good to see him after the pity party I held for myself yesterday. I told him that taking the boys home early (even if it was only 4.5 hours early) is so very hard on me. There was a festival in their town and the parade and everything that had been scheduled for Saturday was postponed to Sunday. They wanted to spend the day enjoying the festivities and I agreed to take them home early so they could do that with their dad. We watched the parade together and then I took them home.

I do this for them. Although I know divorce means that they will sometimes miss out on a few things, I do what I can to make sure they can still take part in most of it. This is a sacrifice I make, and the price my heart pays is a very high one…that’s my job, to pay the price so they don’t have to. They are paying a high enough price for everything else in their life that they have no control over, why make them pay unnecessarily?

The Boyfriend tells me all the time how proud he is of me for doing all I do. He encourages me that the boys will see things for what they are in their own time. I know this is true, and that’s why I try to not sway them in any particular direction, I follow their leads, their moods, their needs.

Yesterday morning Bubba was having a tough time…the schedule was changed, he was going home early. He wanted to go home early, he knew how fun it was going to be, but even a small, positive change is still a change and he doesn’t do well with change. I tried to tell his dad to be mindful that day as I related our morning and he just blew it off, “He seems fine to me.” He will never understand.

I’ll put money on that little man calling me tonight crying for something…

My last of three job interviews today. I am excited and a little nervous. Everything will be exactly as it is supposed to be and will work out perfectly. I am confident of that.

Motivated

I am counting down the days to my last shift next week. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little bit nervous. I’ve done what needs to be done to make sure my needs are met financially, now it comes down to making sure I have things in place to take care of myself emotionally.

There are still so many changes happening all at once for me and it’s time to step back and reevaluate my priorities and goals.

One of the questions I was asked yesterday in my interview really has me thinking. He asked, “What motivates you?” Seems like a simple enough question, but at that exact moment I had to really think about it.

I took my time and really thought about it. I knew what I am not motivated by, but what is it that drives me, that keeps me going, that continues to challenge me and what do I use to measure my success?

I am not motivated by a paycheck or any amount of money. If I was, I would simply ask for a raise at my current job and go about my life. I would have made sure that I had another job lined up instead of taking this leap of faith by quitting my job. Money doesn’t buy happiness and I will argue that point with anybody. Can it buy you nice things? Sure it can. Nice things don’t fill your heart, they only fill your home.

I am motivated by growth and change. I am not the same person I was two years ago. I am much more laid back, relaxed, and have an ability to see things from many perspectives. I would be a great in debating as I can understand either side of almost any situation.  I understand that people do not view things in the same ways and that just as my perception of a situation is my reality, it is the same for others. Although we may be on complete opposite sides of the fence, I think I have the leg up because not only can I see your side of the fence, I am more than comfortable standing on that side if I need to. In this way I have changed significantly.

To be able to look back on the changes I’ve made (some by choice, others by order of the court) I have been able to see the good that has come from them. They have not all been easy, especially living away from my boys, but they have all been wonderful tools for teaching me about myself and my own needs.

The thing about change is that there are positive and negative changes. Many people are afraid of change, and they should be. Change is not easy. Even when the projected outcome is rainbows and Skittles, change isn’t easy. Instead of seeing the change as a challenge, I confront the uneasy feeling.

Am I scared right now about things working out like I hope? Sure am…but I’m not going to let that stop me. I see the end zone, I see the touchdown, I see the light flashing above the net after the goal. I have the ability to look beyond, “Ya, but The Boyfriend and I want to go to Mexico when he gets home and this will delay that significantly.”

What I do see is the opportunities in front of me, standing up like a tackling dummy just waiting to be knocked to the ground and run over. I see the challenges of finding productive things to stay busy. One of them is definitely going to be teaching Creation Station (Sunday school at our church). I can throw my heart and soul into that class. I can dig deeper into the curriculum we have and make it fit our kids. Another goal is to increase my physical fitness. I’m in decent shape for a mom…but I’ll never get a red-card if I can’t walk a 15 minute mile carrying a forty-five pound weight for three miles. I have the endurance, it’s the strength that will kick my butt.

This would be a perfect time to start my book. For years I’ve wanted to write a book and several people have encouraged me, maybe now is the time. I could also focus a little on my speaking and maybe sharing more of my stories with those who need to hear them. They cover a wide array of subjects and I love to do public speaking. Maybe it’s time to join a service organization or two. The women at our church are trying to set up a women’s ministry team/group. That will be a great opportunity for me as well.

All of these opportunities will make small changes in my life, my goals are fluid and will continue to grow, and change. Mexico can wait, the important thing is being happy.

Although the following Bible passage is often read at funerals, it is also fitting for this new life I am leading:

Psalm 23:1-6 ESV The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

When the passage is read intentionally as opposed to recited, it is easy to be at peace. I shall not want, He restores me, I am lead down righteous paths for Him, I fear no evil, my cup overflows…

How could I ever be afraid when I have that kind of back up? I felt like I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death when the ex was granted temporary custody; God brought me to a new church where I was given new life, comfort, new friends, strengthened faith. I was shown just how amazing my boys really are, they are strengthened by this experience, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

If I can walk through that dark valley and fear no evil, I’m pretty sure this whole job change, priority shift thing is gonna be ok. 😉

Irons

Right now I seem to have a million irons in the fire. I did my Wildland Fire fighter class, I handed in my resignation at work, I applied for three jobs and just got the call today to set up the third interview. I am impressed (but not really surprised) that all three applications have made it to the interview stage. I just had to put myself out there. Not to mention the ongoing divorce process as well as being a mom.

My first interview this morning was for a brand new hotel that is under construction. The interviewer was a little bit concerned that I had already put in my two weeks notice at work and they wouldn’t be looking at actually putting somebody on the floor until the first week of December. I told him that I was aware of that and that it was not an issue. I told him I plan to take some time volunteering at the boys’ school and possibly working part time along with already volunteering at the church.

My second interview will be tomorrow at 3:15pm and the only reason I applied at that one was to have a fall back if things got hairy here or if I really needed to be working.

The third interview of the week will be for the part time position at the church as an administrative assistant. I am excited for this interview and hope I have a good shot at being offered that position.

Of the three positions, the hotel and the church are the ones I am mostly interested in. While they are two very different positions they both have the potential for growth and change and reaching people.

The hotel job would be extremely driven (especially if I go management as opposed to staff). Although it would bring me many of the same challenges I had at my current position I believe I would have the tools and opportunities to meet those challenges effectively. I would make that a condition of my employment. A defined chain of command and a comprehensive policy and procedures manual. Another challenge with the new property would be the effort and hours that go into getting a new place up and running as far as operations and sales. Hiring an effective staff and getting the training in can be very time consuming. Once the staff is trained and operational, there comes a time when it can almost run itself. This was great when I was manager here as it allowed me to have a staff that I could count on so I could be home more in the summer with the kids.

I explained to the interviewer today that when I did my hiring, I always let them know that I was essentially searching for my replacement as I knew I wouldn’t be here forever.

The church position would allow flexibility right from day one as it is only 20 hours per week. I believe though that with the current rate of growth that will increase at least a little bit fairly quickly.

I am going to finish my fire certification as well just because I started it. That may lead to work later on as far as logistics with a fire crew or even dispatching. That I can do well into retirement and the ongoing training will keep me engaged.

So, many irons in the fire, and these are only the ones that are employment focused. There is also the divorce, parenting, dating, social life, and volunteering…it keeps me busy and fulfilled.

Reality Check

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Yesterday’s sermon at church was a reality check for many. We were asked if we really trust God with our whole hearts. My initial response was, “Well of course I do. He has always provided for me.”

Then came the challenge between my heart and my brain. How can I even pretend that I completely trust God when I am living in such turmoil regarding my current employment situation when I KNOW that where God guides, he will provide.

The above text says, “…and lean NOT on your own understanding…”

That has gotten me through this last six months in one piece. I cannot lean on my own understanding, I trust that everything that is happening right now is a part of God’s plan and that God is good. So how is it that I can completely trust Him when it comes to the futures of my children and the courts, and everything regarding my divorce, yet I can’t find it in me to follow the path He has made for me.

I feel like there is the path He has set out before me, and every time I step off the path…he merely moves it again and places it back in front of me. This isn’t something I can deny.

God is SCREAMING in my ear to quit my job, to move forward. Do I trust him enough to believe everything will be ok? Do I trust Him enough to provide for my needs? My heart says yes, I do trust Him. My brain is wondering if God will pay the rent.

I have filled out applications and am taking some online training that has nothing to do with my current job. These are steps in the right direction. My question is, how long do I allow my current job to drain me emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Do I hold out until something comes along? Do I wait until I snap?

I have a very real fear that staying here will cause a breakdown. I told a friend yesterday that it feels like the boss is doing everything in his power right now to get me to quit. He badgers me, blames me for things that I did not do, gets frustrated when I call him out. My friend said, “Of course he’s brow-beating you, you know way too much.”

I was once a great asset to his business. Everybody knows I ran this place. Now that I refuse to do his job for him (as I had been doing) I am of no use to him even as a peon. This was his decision to change my status and my duties. For him to expect me to do all I had before is allowing myself to be used, and I’m not okay with that.

I understand that with the divorce going on I cannot just up and quit my job without another one waiting. I’m sure the judge would not look favorably on me just quitting my job while asking for custody of my children.

I have court next week. It is the actual divorce trial. As the ex and I have not agreed on ANYTHING, it will be up to the judge to decide on every aspect of the situation. From custody, visitation, who is responsible for what bills, etc. I understand judges hate to make these decisions, they prefer people to work out their own agreements and then rubber stamp it. Judges know that they will never know the whole story, they understand they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

“…in all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight…”

I need to put in my notice. I cannot stay here. If I put in my notice today for two weeks, I am confident that I will find something in time, plus that would give me two more paychecks, a full one and a half one. All my bills are already paid for  September, my next paycheck could pay all of October’s bills…just sayin’.

Lord, I know that you will never lead me astray and that where your path leads, I will be provided with the necessary resources and tools to follow you. Quiet my heart as I learn to submit to you Lord. Amen