Fire

Behind my eyes there is a fire

That nobody can see

The fire that leaves many scars

That only I can see.

The tears have left a canyon

Between my brain and heart

Leaving me to sort out where

one ends and the other starts.

Ya, okay…I can’t do this…the thought is in my head..it starts something like that then…damn I wish for better for my kids. I’m tired of hearing how resilient kids are, how they will be okay. I want them to be okay NOW…not when this is over. Why the fuck should they have to struggle through something they never wanted to be a part of?? This isn’t THEIR struggle, it’s not THEIR fault…why are THEY left paying the bill?

FUCK YOU ex…one day ¬†you will wake up and wonder why these kids don’t want to be around you. Of course you will blame it on me…and that’s fine, I have big shoulders. Your insecurities and bullshit no longer matter to me. I know, in the deepest part of my heart, in the dark spot in my soul that has no feelings for you…that I am doing my best to encourage the children to love you…they are mere words…they matter little next to your actions. My words do not trump your actions. Just as your words do not trump my actions when you tell them everything is my fault. They know me, they trust me, the believe in me; can you say the same? I didn’t think so. Oh, maybe right now you can still convince yourself of that…but for how long. These boys won’t be little for much longer…and they see through you. I cannot stop them from understanding the truth. I can only give them the tools to express themselves…I’m afraid you aren’t going to like it even one bit.

My Sleeve

That’s where my heart lives, on my sleeve. It gets pissed that I leave it out there for people to see, touch, hold, drop, squish, spit on, walk over, etc.

I refuse to take my heart OFF my sleeve. It’s where it belongs. When it gets hurt, it learns a lesson, when it feels love, it is rewarded. Life is short. I am reminded of this too often. I will not spend my life guarding a heart that wants to love and be loved, that wants to live. As I meet people I am often surprised by the connections I make. I am humbled that people are drawn to me. I am proud of the person I am. Deep inside my soul, I like me. When you show a genuine interest in people they remember you; they like you. When people like me I am eager to get to know them…inside and out. You can never have too many friends. I refuse to live behind walls.

When people live behind walls they claim that they are protecting themselves. I think they are hurting MUCH more than they are protecting. They are refusing themselves the opportunity to live and love. To love so deeply that the sunrise is more colorful, the world becomes a more friendly, welcome place. They are also denied the opportunity to hurt like they’ve never been hurt. I know most people aren’t eager to feel this one but it is a crucial feeling to experience.

If you haven’t hurt, you haven’t loved.

Until you can allow your heart to be completely vulnerable to another human being, you will never experience complete love. I will never tell my heart no. I will continue to get to know people, I will continue to be hurt, and I will appreciate each experience for what it is. They are all lessons I was meant to learn and just as they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, the way to my brain is through my heart.

The price I pay when my heart gets broke is very high. I imagine it is like a cloud must miss the rain when it falls; sad to see it go, but understanding that it had to happen. Today a friend of mine said it sure is raining in my world right now. I said, “Yep, should be a beautiful crop of flowers when the sun shines.” I can only see the silver lining…without rain we cannot have flowers…and I love flowers.

If you have my heart, you have all of me.

I trust people to not run over it like a steamroller unless and until they do. I believe people are good. I also believe good people can sometimes do bad things. Good people can also become bad people. I will not make decisions based on other people’s experiences. I will allow my personal experiences with people to decide my relationship with them.

You start with a clean slate with me. Write on it, color it, leave notes on it…others cannot add to your slate, nor can they erase what you have put on it. You can make corrections on your slate, I can make notes in the margin of your slate…but it is yours to write on.

Please be gentle.

Bittersweet

Who do you tell when there’s nothing to say?
Do you give it to God and then walk away?
Do you hide under blankets shaking with fear?
Do you cry in the night when no one is near?
The time will come to rise again
Knowing who has been a friend
Never pushing when you’re down
But sitting with you on the ground
To bring you back to your feet
And showing you change is
Bittersweet.