I Did It

I officially applied for the job. I made a resume, I wrote a cover letter, AND I submitted them to the hiring team. I felt an overwhelming sense of calm after hitting the send button (they had requested the materials be delivered via email). It might have been because it took me over an hour to attach the documents to the email and now I could finally relax, or it might have been the fact that for once I am giving myself a fighting chance.

So many people have an incredible fear of failure; not me. I fear success. I fear it so strongly that I often sabotage any chance of it. The only passions I have pursued without regard to outcome are parenting and my public speaking.

We all know how the parenting thing is working so far. I have awesome kids. I know every parent says that. I also know that there have been times that I’d rather have them locked in a closet, but for the most part they are pretty awesome. I’m definitely not one of those parents who thinks their kids are perfect…but darn they sure are close!

With the public speaking, that one came to me. I can’t even say I pursued it, I’ve only embraced the opportunity to tell my story and to help others. I get to speak again next week as it is Recovery Month and the hospital is holding a gathering and I have been asked for the second year in a row to be one of the event speakers.

I haven’t decided which talk I’m going to give next week I have several and they are all similar. It usually depends on the group size and if I see there are several whom have been through treatment before. This will be a packed house that I speak to next Thursday (around 100 people plus all the staff). Motivation, change, triggers, relapse prevention, or just early recovery…I think for Recovery Month the subject of change is probably the most appropriate and will speak to the most people.

The Park

Not the kind of park you are thinking of…

I just finished my talk for today and I knocked it out of the park. There were 24 patients today and every one of them was engaged and responsive. Today was also the first time I felt my hour melt away.

I had gone there today expecting a small group again as I had last week and for most of the same patients. My plan was to talk about expectaions. What they could expect during early recovery and what others may expect of them. I was going to talk about how one of the best ways to stay well was to stop caring what others thought…

While I was driving down (126 miles gives much time for thought, planning and relection) I decided that I needed to hit on patient education. I made a rough outline of what they needed to take responsibility for during their own recovery.

When I walked in, I was greeted by a crowd nearly twice the size of last week and only five or six of them from the previous week. Patient education was going to be a great idea.

~~~

…as I’m typing this, I just recieved a text from the ex…Boy 1 has a concert in an hour and a half…the first I’ve been told of this…I am THREE HOURS away. If I had known ahead of time, I would have been able to leave Fargo as soon as I was done my talk and made it back in time for the concert…now, it is too late. I am disappointed, I am worried about the message this will send to Boy 1…my child who needs all the reassurance and love that can be handed right now…and Mom is missing his year end concert.

My ‘old brain’ wants to blame the ex…say that this is just his way of manipulating me out of their lives…but I can’t know that for sure…for all I know it was a simple oversight. I cannot read his mind and cannot decide what his motives are…I’d LIKE to…but I can’t.

So right now…I will accept the things I cannot change…I cannot make the concert; because I have the wisdom to know that I cannot change this one. My heart hurts. myhearthurts

~~~

Now I need to decide if I can finish my earlier post, or do I throw in the towel for today and just head home.

I’m in tears now…

I am not going to sit in a book store and cry as I write…it will not get me anywhere. Instead, I am going to wander the store for a little while as I clear my head, and then go home.

I still did great today, I will not let this overshadow my awesome job earlier today…I ROCK.

Dear Boy 1,

I am sorry that I can’t be at your concert tonight. I was unaware that it was tonight and I am too far away to make it back there in time. I will make sure that Daddy records it for me so I can still see your performance. I can’t wait to watch it with you.

It is not your fault that I am not there, it is nobody’s fault. Sometimes just mom gets to be at stuff and sometimes just dad, and sometimes both of us. I love you more than summer.

Love,

Mom

What I would say if he were here right now..

Love you Bubba…

Another Day

My trip yesterday was a good one. The group I spoke to was the smallest I’d ever had. There were 14 patients and we sat in a circle and there was a little more interaction than usual so it was nice.

A big part of yesterday’s talk was about letting go of the things that weigh you down, guilt, anger, resentments, etc. I talked of how my life became so much simpler when I learned to forgive not only those who have wronged me but also to forgive myself.

I also talked about how some of my resentments were misplaced on others; for a long time I was angry at my soon-to-be-ex-husband for the person I had become. I changed so much to fit in with his family, his friends, his life over the years of our marriage that I came to hate myself. Changing my perception on the situation was extremely difficult because it left only me to be disappointed in. Nobody can force you to change your values, your morals, your life goals and nobody can be help responsible when you make changes you aren’t happy with.

I learned that I had to forgive him for these perceived wrongs, and to forgive myself for being angry with him. I learned that I was disappointed with and angry at myself. The only way to let go of those hurts and hang-ups was to deal with them head on; which I did.

I got to visit my daughter for about half an hour. She looks well. She has a lot of very tough work ahead of her. She understands this, but until she is dealing with it outside of the safety of the hospital it won’t become clear just how difficult it is. I am so very worried for her.

Unfortunately I do not think this is going to be her only inpatient treatment. Thankfully I am years ahead of her in the experience department on this one so I can guide her. Pray for my girl, for her brothers, for her parents.

I Will Not Puke

I cannot puke, I am at work…not very nice for the person at the front desk of the hotel to be bent over a garbage can. Right now though, I want to puke.

I just got a call from the hospital where my daughter is. They are ready to discharge her on Friday afternoon. They are ready, she is stable…but is she ready?

Her age has caused some major issues right now. Her entire care team thinks she needs long term, residential care…this is not available before the age of 18. She has nine days between discharge and 18.

Wow…it’s a good thing I’m sitting down because otherwise I would be on the floor…this news has knocked the wind right out of me. This is how people fall through the cracks, THIS is how kids get lost in the system.

Thankfully she is not necessarily ‘in’ the system to be misplaced, but once she is 18, it could take an act of the courts to force her in to long term care if she does not agree to go willingly. And how are the last nine days of her being a minor going to play out?

Please pray, pray that these people are doing what it right for her, that this is in her best interests.

I will not puke. I.will.not.puke. (at least not until I’m finished here at work).