I officially applied for the job. I made a resume, I wrote a cover letter, AND I submitted them to the hiring team. I felt an overwhelming sense of calm after hitting the send button (they had requested the materials be delivered via email). It might have been because it took me over an hour to attach the documents to the email and now I could finally relax, or it might have been the fact that for once I am giving myself a fighting chance.
So many people have an incredible fear of failure; not me. I fear success. I fear it so strongly that I often sabotage any chance of it. The only passions I have pursued without regard to outcome are parenting and my public speaking.
We all know how the parenting thing is working so far. I have awesome kids. I know every parent says that. I also know that there have been times that I’d rather have them locked in a closet, but for the most part they are pretty awesome. I’m definitely not one of those parents who thinks their kids are perfect…but darn they sure are close!
With the public speaking, that one came to me. I can’t even say I pursued it, I’ve only embraced the opportunity to tell my story and to help others. I get to speak again next week as it is Recovery Month and the hospital is holding a gathering and I have been asked for the second year in a row to be one of the event speakers.
I haven’t decided which talk I’m going to give next week I have several and they are all similar. It usually depends on the group size and if I see there are several whom have been through treatment before. This will be a packed house that I speak to next Thursday (around 100 people plus all the staff). Motivation, change, triggers, relapse prevention, or just early recovery…I think for Recovery Month the subject of change is probably the most appropriate and will speak to the most people.
I wanted to post yesterday but just the thought of writing about all that is going on is difficult. It makes it real.
As a person who has dealt with mental health issues for many years, I understand, probably better than anybody else, just how sick my daughter is right now. I am doing everything IN MY POWER to get her the help she needs.
As a mom, my heart crumbles at the thought of my child being so sick and not being able to fix it for her. I can imagine it is how the parents of child, terminally ill with cancer, feel. Just as some of the cancers afflicting children are treatable, so is my daughter’s illness. I also know that it has the power to kill her at any moment.
I explain it to her in a way that reduces the stigma in her own mind: right now her brain is sick; very sick. There is a tumor that is trying to kill her and we need to treat it in hopes that one day a cure can be found.
The challenge is keeping her safe long enough to get her the treatment she needs to get stable. Finding the right treatment is like throwing darts…blindfolded…in a windstorm.
Today I am making the 250 mile round trip again to host the relapse prevention/early recovery class. I usually only do this every 5-6 weeks but they called on Monday and said they had a cancellation. They were very happy to have me coming back and I am so happy to be going back to the same group of people…it would be nice if I could do this every week…then at least we could follow a semi-curriculum and progress through a series of talks. Last week we discussed forgiveness and letting go. I think this week I will touch on expectations…their own and the people around them while talking of motivation.
Pray for me to have the strength as I continue to follow the path God leads me on.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can, and
The Wisdom to know the difference…
My trip yesterday was a good one. The group I spoke to was the smallest I’d ever had. There were 14 patients and we sat in a circle and there was a little more interaction than usual so it was nice.
A big part of yesterday’s talk was about letting go of the things that weigh you down, guilt, anger, resentments, etc. I talked of how my life became so much simpler when I learned to forgive not only those who have wronged me but also to forgive myself.
I also talked about how some of my resentments were misplaced on others; for a long time I was angry at my soon-to-be-ex-husband for the person I had become. I changed so much to fit in with his family, his friends, his life over the years of our marriage that I came to hate myself. Changing my perception on the situation was extremely difficult because it left only me to be disappointed in. Nobody can force you to change your values, your morals, your life goals and nobody can be help responsible when you make changes you aren’t happy with.
I learned that I had to forgive him for these perceived wrongs, and to forgive myself for being angry with him. I learned that I was disappointed with and angry at myself. The only way to let go of those hurts and hang-ups was to deal with them head on; which I did.
I got to visit my daughter for about half an hour. She looks well. She has a lot of very tough work ahead of her. She understands this, but until she is dealing with it outside of the safety of the hospital it won’t become clear just how difficult it is. I am so very worried for her.
Unfortunately I do not think this is going to be her only inpatient treatment. Thankfully I am years ahead of her in the experience department on this one so I can guide her. Pray for my girl, for her brothers, for her parents.