Sense of Humor

I have given birth to a certain eight year old boy that I love dearly. Lately, me and said boy get in to discussions that are like reading ‘If you Give a Mouse a Cookie’ written by Laura Numeroff.  If you have not read these series of books I HIGHLY recommend them.  If you give him a cookie, he’ll want milk, if you give him milk he’ll want a mirror to check for a milk mustache, if you give him a mirror he’ll want scissors to trim his hair…you can see how this goes. Bubba asks why for every answer I give him to see how creative I can get. Here’s a recent conversation:

Can I have a Pepsi?

No

Why?

We don’t drink pop for breakfast.

Why?

Because it’s unhealthy.

Why?

Because there is too much sugar.

Why?

That’s how it gets flavor.

Why?

So it tastes good.

Why?

So kids want to drink it for breakfast.

Why?

So they can argue with their mother

Why?

Because they like to have their x-box taken away

Why?

Because they enjoy standing in a corner

Why?

For exercise

Why?

Because exercise is good

Why?

Because it burns energy

Why?

because there’s some cycle that includes ATP that I don’t remember

Why?

Because I’m old

Why?

Because my kids ask too many questions

Why?

Because they think duct tape is a hot fashion accessory across their mouths

Why?

Because I haven’t figured out how to lock the closet

Why?

Because I am too busy answering questions

Why?

Because I’m an awesome mom

Why?

Because my mom is awesome

Why?

Because she had me

Why?

Why not?

I’ll ask the questions here, lady.

Why?

Because I’m the kid

Why?

Because you had me

Why?

Because I am your birthday present

Why?

Because you found out you were pregnant with me on your birthday

Why?

Ummmm, Mom….

HA…GOTCHA…you little shit!

Of course by now he still has not forgotten that he wants a Pepsi for breakfast, but we are all giggling and have just wasted a good five or ten minutes.

The pastor from my old church used to tell me that if I ever doubted God had a sense of humor to make a plan…lately God’s sense of humor is shining through in my life in SOOOOOO many ways. I still try to laugh…but lately He seems to have taken things a bit far.

I took the leap and quit my job. Tomorrow is my last day. I have my finances figured out, I have several job prospects, I have a plan in place. Looks good right? Last night I get home and go to plug in my laptop which is dead from a call with the boyfriend after work…and the pin to plug the charger in is busted. The milk man is going to look at it for me, but I think it’s toast.

I don’t have the money to replace my laptop right now…it wasn’t in the plan…and I am having trouble finding the humor in this one. I know I don’t NEED a laptop…but it sure is nice having a computer at home. I have the x-box, but I don’t have a keyboard for it…and I’m WAY too cheap to go buy one…and if I buy a keyboard I have to buy a camera/mic set up so I can use Skype…well, now I might as well just buy a new computer…but it’s not in the plan.

The library has computers for public access, the workforce center has computers for public use…but neither one of those places is going to let me sleep there in case The Boyfriend calls in the middle of the night. Neither one of them has Skype or Yahoo Messenger capabilities. So, I do what I do best. I pout, then I pick my head up and move forward. My birthday is coming up in April…I can save up after I go back to work and then spoil myself.

But this means that for the foreseeable future I may not be blogging regularly, I have to rely on snail mail with The Boyfriend which at the moment is not an option due to his current status/location…not funny God.

So, just another challenge to face, another hurdle to jump. We grow through adversity. In the last 6 months I have:

  • Been homeless
  • Lived with no furniture when I did get a home
  • Started dating
  • Quit my job
  • Learned how to be a Wildland Fire Fighter
  • Found a new church
  • Began teaching Sunday School again
  • Taught my boys how to fish
  • Got my butt kicked at mini-golf more times than I’d like to count
  • Taken my kids bowling
  • Loved intentionally
  • Lived intentionally
  • Moved on.

This little blip is nothing compared to some of those things. I’m a warrior, I got this. Just like rules are made to be broken, plans are made to be changed. I believe that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be at this moment.

Hurry up and Wait

Court was cancelled today…another stepping stone. I decided to let work know I would come in because sitting at home wasn’t going to be doing myself any favors. Well, the boss already had gave my shift to another co-worker who needed the hours so that was no longer an option.

I have a thousand things I could do today, a few things I maybe should do, and at least one thing that I MUST do. The one thing I need to do, without regard to anything else, is take care of myself. I did this by taking time to cry in frustration this morning. The emotional turmoil I am living in with this situation is exhausting. I had my hopes up for today being the beginning of the end…the final hearing, the trial phase of the divorce. Finally, the ability to move forward. I understand the wheels of justice move slowly…but two years for a divorce?? C’mon already. I want my life back.

I spoke with Boyfriend for a while this morning. He knows exactly how to bring me comfort at times like that. He continued to ‘talk me off the ledge’ this morning in terms of court.

He even takes me into a fantasy world of the future. I never dreamed that taking a few minutes to think about the future (even as uncertain as it may be) to even make pretend plans, brings a smile. He lets me live in that the future to envision what it might look like, and that comforts me. I’m planning a vacation for us…gonna be a gooder.

What I Need

When people find out I am getting divorced I get the normal sympathies. When they find out my boys are living with their dad, they often are overcome with shock and wonder. I get everything from ‘how did that happen’ which my brain translates into “what kind of mother looses her kids” to “OMG, how are you doing?”

I’m fine…I’m one of the lucky ones. Yes, I’m very lucky. I know my boys are only 20 miles away. I know my boys are healthy, I know my boys love their dad, I know that their dad loves them, I know that the boys and I love each other.

I spent enough time beating myself up when the judge granted him temporary custody in March. I don’t have a need to continue that. I don’t need to be depressed because my boys are at their other home.

In some ways…and I mean this as no offence to parents who have lost a child, I am only trying to put a face on it for others who may not understand. In some ways it is like the first time you laugh after the death of a loved one…you catch yourself, you beat yourself up. How dare you move on, how dare my body betray me by allowing me to feel joy and happiness. I am supposed to be drowning in depression. I did that. My first weeks without the boys were absolute hell. I missed them, my heart ached, my body screamed for them in my arms.

Then I took a breath. I knew that if I was going to be able to enjoy what limited time we do have together I was going to have to learn to enjoy life without them as well. When you live in misery, you cannot just turn it off at 6pm every other Friday…it follows you, it embraces you, it drowns you.

I couldn’t focus on the look on Bubba’s face when he realized I couldn’t tell him when I would see him again the day I moved out. I couldn’t focus on Bum calling me two days later telling me he wanted things “back in order.”

What I could focus on were the positive things. The fact that this is a huge learning experience for all of us. Bubba and Bum are great kids. They needed the mom who had been lost for a long time in a miserable marriage. They needed the awesome mom that Bug and my step kids experienced when they were younger. The fun mom, the playful mom, the mom who runs through the sprinkler with them, plays Frisbee, teaches them to cook, digs for worms, and plants flowers. The mom who isn’t afraid to shout, “WE DON’T SHOOT UNARMED PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILY” out the front door not caring what the neighbors think (a rule with water guns and Nerf guns…it’s only fair).

Over the last couple of months, I’ve found that mom. I wish we had a sprinkler at our apartment but we make due. We enjoy (almost) every minute we have together…c’mon, they are real live boys they still get in trouble some times.

There are still times when I am overcome with a loneliness I cannot explain, the physical ache of my empty arms…but for the most part I am okay.

What I don’t need is people trying to tell me ‘dirt’ on their father. I don’t need people to try and tell me how the kids act or look when they see them with their other parent. That is his time. I know we don’t always look like the Cleaver family either, nor would I want to.

I need people to understand that the boys’ father’s personal life is just that…HIS personal life. It is no longer mine. Just as I don’t wish for people to ‘report to him’ on my comings and goings, I really have no desire to hear about his.

Yes we are still in the middle of an extremely nasty, dirty, mean divorce…why try to add fuel to the fire. It is the hands of the courts at this time. If you want to help, pray for the judge who is charged with determining the lives of two very unique children he has never met.

If you see my kids and they are with their other parent, please PLEASE treat them the same as you would if they were with me. Acknowledge them, hug them, talk to them…if you joke around with them when they are with me, continue that. You don’t have to like their father to love my kids, you don’t even have to like me. Nothing hurts more than your child wondering why they are invisible all of a sudden to certain people.

As the divorce is not yet final, we are still finding our new normal…we don’t even know what that might look like at this time. We are loving each other, we are loving other people, we are loving ourselves.

This is the Day

Psalm 118:24 This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.

As I sat and wallowed in my self pity this morning this verse came to mind…I love it when that happens. At the times when I am at my lowest, I am comforted by scripture.

This is going to be one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time…and it is up to me to make the best of it. Mr. Ex is coming home today…my boys are leaving me.

I am so desperately sad for myself, so happy that they get to see their dad who they miss deeply. It has been 25 days for them. They are little boys who have spent their entire lives trying to please a man who has never put them first.

I am worried for their well being as their father will be extremely busy getting his mother settled in to her home and all of her medical equipment and supplies set up and coordinating her care. This will not leave much time for two very anxious boys who need his full attention and focus.

Part of me wants to offer to keep them here, to tell him that he can just take him when he has a few hours and then bring them back…this will make it easier on the boys and nice for me.

The rest of me knows that the boys are resilient. They will be bounced around several caregivers all weekend, and expected to sit still and be statues when they are with dad while he cares for grandma…this will not be easy on them.

I need to let this play out. We have court on Tuesday, the judge will HOPEFULLY see Mr. Ex for what he really is, a manipulative, sick, bitter man who is only concerned with putting a mark in the win column, not with what is best for two emotionally fragile children during the most difficult journey of their lives.

Until Tuesday I can get some hours in at work, I can maybe clean my apartment…HAHA just kidding…I’ll hire a maid. Yes…I hate cleaning that much, I will hire a maid to come in while I am at work to do laundry and clean the apartment…once a week…hope she irons!! Oh, who am I kidding, I am hoping SHE is a HE and that he’s as sexy as hell and takes sexual favors as payment…lol I don’t even care if he cleans…damn I’m funny.

I couldn’t do that anyway…The Friend would get jealous…the only man that cleans at her house is Friend’s Husband, and he always wants sexual favors…lol OMG this post has completely gone off track!

So, today my world changes, my babies leave. I have had the most wonderful 25 days teaching them about life, dishes, priorities, laundry, budgeting, fishing, cooking, and love.

Those lessons cannot be unlearned. They are safely ingrained…I did good…I know I did. When they come ‘home’ next weekend my life will be thiers again. I love them more than sand in my toes, wind in my hair, the sun on my face, all the diamonds, emeralds, and saphires in the world (ok…maybe not the diamonds).

We will go fishing, we will count their X-box fund (again) and we will have fun.

Thank you for your support as I get through this day…it’s not going to be an easy one, but it is exactly as God has planned it…I can choose to enjoy it or be miserable…I got this.

My Path

I told you last week about my friend and I both looking for a church that fits our needs. Yesterday we attended the same church as last week. They finished up their “One Month to Live” sermon series yesterday and it talked about how will you leave, what will you leave behind, and living with no regrets.

As I look back over my life, I have no regrets. I’ve always said that. I also don’t hold grudges…I don’t have time to waste energy on grudges.

When I heard the sermon I just wanted to stand up and say…but I’m already there, I don’t hold any grudges, I have no regrets, I wouldn’t change anything…if I died right now, this very minute I am okay with that. I have been through some of the worst experiences in life and yet, here I am…happy. I am satisfied, I am full, I am free.

I am a silver lining kind of person, very rarely am I not able to find the positive in any situation. I see every perceived negative as an opportunity for growth. I say perceived negative because to me there are very few negatives in life.

I could look back on my life and see only negative:

  • parents divorced when I was young.
  • grew up in a blended family.
  • live with severe depression.
  • have been suicidal.
  • have been sober for nearly two years.
  • was abused.
  • have lost more babies to miscarriage than I’ve given birth to live.
  • am getting divorced.

That’s a pretty shitty list to look at if you only see the negatives. I see so much more than that:

  • I see that my my mom was blessed with my brother who has Down’s Syndrome when I was three and she was already a single parent to three children.
  • I see that “we” married my step-dad and added three more kids to the mix. There was no such thing as “half-brother” or “half-sister” in our house. I remember being offended when somebody would say, “Well, he’s only your half-brother.”
  • I have learned that I am stronger than my brain tries to convince me I am.
  • I am able to reach others in pain.
  • I give a speech about early recovery and relapse prevention to an inpatient group every 5 weeks.
  • I can help others get through the pain and turmoil of abuse and to move forward in their own healing.
  • Each of my babies was meant to be on earth for exactly as long as they were…that’s for another post.
  • I am seeing people for what they are, finding out who my true friends are, discovering more about myself that I never knew.

None of these things are bad things, they are all experiences for growth. I posted on a social media site the other day that I know we grow through suffering and that I will be ten feet tall and bullet proof by summer time at this rate…

So Blessed

After church on Sunday I took the boys to the grocery store to buy something to cook for lunch. As we find the ‘convenience food’ isle the boys start to make suggestions. One boy pulls a can of soup off the shelf; I have a bowl, I have milk, “Sorry son, we can’t get that one.”

Boy 2, “Why not Mom?”

“Becuase Mommy doesn’t have a can opener.” Thankfully we found a brand that had the tab lid, so he could still get soup.

Boy 1, “Mom can we have chicken?”

“Sorry son, Mom doesn’t have an oven to cook it in.”

Thus, the life of a homeless mom spending her weekend visitation with her boys…I am blessed that I am not living in a van down by the river. I am staying at what can be classified as a ‘roach motel’ although the accomodations really aren’t that bad. I have one bed, a mini fridge, and a microwave. Things COULD be much worse.

I am thankful that we have travelled enough that staying in a hotel is a fun treat for my kids.

My kids are learning to appreciate the little things in life…never have they had Easy Mac…today they did. They would not have had that if I had my own place to live. Last night we had pizza for supper because Pizza Hut has a $10 large…I can feed all three of us for $10!! LOL

Looks like I Will be able to move into my apartment May 5 or 6. That means three more weeks here, which has/will drain my savings. That’s okay though. I HAD savings, I HAD the forsight to be prepared for this posibility.

I really am going to be okay. I got this…I’ve been through worse and it prepared me for this. Is it difficult, sure is. There are days I wonder how I can continue. I know I must continue, my children deserve the best life. I must fight for their lives.

I am in a fight for my children’s lives…just as I was 6 years ago when I spent 23 weeks on strict bedrest to give my baby the best chance at life. This fight is going to be much longer than 23 weeks…but at least I am allowed to shower everyday for as long as I want, I don’t have to self administer needles every day, nor do I have to take medication every four hours around the clock. Heck I don’t even have to go to the doctor every week…this is easy compared to all of that.

Things could be worse, they could be MUCH worse. I am blessed, very blessed.