Muddled

Well, last week didn’t turn out quite like I had planned. I had arranged with the ex to take Bum (the youngest who needs his ‘Mama time’ more than Bubba who is already starting to get a social life and is okay with daily phone calls and playing Minecraft via internet with me). I was supposed to get Bum for Thursday Friday as they had no school and the plan was to send him back to Dad’s on Friday evening as it was Dad’s weekend…

I call to arrange the Wednesday pickup and am faced with, “Well, I was wondering if you would take both boys and keep them for the whole weekend.” My mom heart JUMPED at the opportunity…HELL YA!! More time with my kids…every time.

We had a great weekend…their dad dropped them off to me at the bowling alley on Wednesday (we were almost finished the second of three games when they got there to cheer us on). I am always humbled when people take the time and effort to tell me how amazing my boys are. They are. They are little gentlemen…and very much ‘little boys’ when they want to be. I am so thankful to be able to be proud of them one second, and giving them the death stare the next. I really do have the greatest kids around.

Note to self: The death stare rarely works while giggling, it also is useless when the retired Army Captain standing behind me is giving me bunny ears. She is on my team, I couldn’t kill her!!

Thursday we bought a cake to celebrate The Boyfriend’s birthday. While we were at the store, Bubba was on the phone with his dad. Ya, we are buying a birthday cake for The Boyfriend (they call him by his first name) when dad questioned who The Boyfriend was, Bubba said, “He’s my friend, and Mom’s” LMFAO When we got home we took pictures of the cake to send to him and in one shot Bubba is licking the side of the cake “Ha mom, he’ll love this”

Friday morning I had to take Bum to the doctor. He has SIX…yes, SIX warts on his feet. I had one treated a while back and instructed dad that he would need at least one more treatment on it in the next couple of weeks. Well, he never did and now he has six warts to be treated instead of one. They froze them all and off to Walmart to buy band-aids keep them covered and then home we went.

It bothers me that it is beyond him to make even routine doctor appointments but can’t even manage to take them in when they have needs. Almost a year Bubba has been waiting to see a specialist for a congenital hip condition. I can’t make the appointment because it is with a specialist and I have to go by dad’s schedule.

I told dad that at least of one of the warts (the original one) has to be treated at least one more time in 10 -14 days…any bets on who will end up doing that one? Ya…I didn’t think so.

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Friday night at 2230h Bum asked me, “Mom, how many more days until The Boyfriend comes home?” I told him is was about xx days and he thought about it for a minute, gave me a kiss, and told me “That’s for The Boyfriend.” He then curled right back up and went to sleep.

While he was sleeping I found a countdown app for my iPod and downloaded it with an approximate return date (and added a few weeks to the date I think it may be just in case). The next morning I showed it to him and he pursed his lips and said, “That’s a long time.” Yep kiddo, it sure is, but he’ll be home as soon as him and his friends are finished what they are doing.

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Saturday morning at youth bowling Bum threw his first official league strike…I couldn’t be more happy for him. The little boy on his team and he are both first year bowlers and had a blast.

Saturday Bum spiked a fever out of nowhere accompanied by a headache. My poor baby had already spent 90% of his visit planted firmly on my lap, and now here he was, sick. (There are times when he just cannot get close enough to his mom…like he literally needs to attach himself to me in order to trust that I really am right there and not going anywhere). I prefer to allow fevers to work themselves out knowing they are working on whatever is attacking his tiny system. When he changed positions and grabbed his head I immediately pulled out the Tylenol.

So he had a four hour afternoon nap and then when he woke up I asked if he wanted to head to the store with me, I didn’t have a thermometer at my house and offered to make ‘mom’s special recipe hot chocolate’ for a bedtime snack. Off we went…new thermometer, hot chocolate, whipped cream, and mini marshmallows…WINNER…every time.

He laid on me all night in the recliner. Each time he changed positions I nearly froze to death! I guess he was warmer than I realized!

Sunday morning both boys wanted to go to church so off we went to the 0930h service. I guess he was feeling better. His fever was gone for the time being and he even ate breakfast. When he curled up on my lap during the church service I could feel he was again a little warm and did a quick scan of the crowd seeing who was going to be the one to help me clean up Marshmallow Matey’s vomit…I’m sure I would have been covered, but thankfully did not have to find out!! Neither boy wanted to attend Creation Station as I was not teaching. It was a great sermon for them to be a part of though, so I was actually glad they stayed. You can view the service here once it is posted. Thankfully our church streams the service each week for those who can’t make it for whatever reason. Just before the sermon the youth pastor and another member of the congregation did a short skit that had my boys rolling in the isles (literally).

After church we went back to hang out at home, Bum was still a little worn out, so not much doing except movies and Minecraft (DAMN YOU MINECRAFT). The Lunch Lady stopped over to drop of some clothes that will fit the boys. I have a heck of a time getting their father to provide clothing that is decent and fits for my visitation and am not currently in a position to buy a whole bunch on my own. She also showed up with a thank you gift that is better than any thank you gift I have ever received…a HUGE jar of Nutella!! See, she really DOES get me!

I took the boys to our arranged meeting place at the arranged time to meet dad and things were okay until we got out of the vehicle. Immediately I was overcome with a sense of anger and sadness. I gave both boys a million hugs and kisses (the only time I get kisses from Bubba besides bedtime is at drop off) and headed home.

I was crushed, I was frozen in despair, I was so upset. I rattled off an email to The Boyfriend and whined that I was in a bad mood and just as soon as I typed that it hit me. I had the boys for a four-day visit instead of the usual two…of course it was harder to let them go after four days than two. I need to learn to give myself credit for how hard it is to send them back to dad’s. Every other weekend (actually three weekends in a row right now because I still get my regular weekend this weekend) my heart breaks all over again when I send my boys to their dad’s house. Not just hurts…it breaks. My body is heavier, my brain is scrambled, my life is changed again.

About an hour later I sent The Boyfriend another email and it started like this:

Yep, I feel like my heart is dying right now…laying a hot bubble bath, listening to sappy-ass songs, bawling my eyes out, missing the loves of my life…praying with everything I have for God to give me strength to get through this in one piece, because I sure don’t feel like I’m going to make it right now.

Even just copy/pasting that I am fighting back the tears…feeling them burn my cheeks…I’m at the library, good thing I can type without seeing the keys, because they are VERY blurry right now…

Ok, a few rounds of Candy Crush later as well as a roam through Facebook world and I’m back. Now where was I?

Oh ya, took the boys back, went home and proceeded to feel sorry for myself. The ex sent me a text, “You looked pissed when we met, you alright?” Oh how I wish I could just tell him…he’s a horse shit parent and his only concern is hurting me, and he doesn’t give a shit about what this is doing to our children…but I can’t. I have to ‘play nice’ until court is finished. Just told him I was fine and he let it go.

My Facebook status was “There are just some things even my heart can’t take…and we all know it can (and has) taken a damn good beating.” I’m not usually one to air my pity party on Facebook, but dammit, I was so broken. I have been through Hell…and I have been tempted to dance with the devil…I’m allowed to break down once in a while, aren’t I?

Took a sleeping pill as I knew sleep and me would not be meeting otherwise last night and cried my sorry ass to sleep. This morning I woke up and still was not ‘back from the brink’ so to speak. I watched CMT, ate Little Debbie snacks (thanks Bum…great choice the other day). At 1100h a movie comes on CMT…I am too lazy to change the channel and not motivated enough to get up and shower yet so I watch it…We Are Marshall…I’ve never seen it before. Poor timing CMT, well-played God…just what I needed. I needed to be able to cry., and cry I did. Deep, raw, agonizing, hot tears. I was going to put on my FB “Note to self, watching We Are Marshall when already feeling down is not a good idea”…but really it was. It was the catalyst I needed to get my tears out. To allow my tears to fall, to be NOT strong for just a few minutes. Instead I put “Note to self: watching We Are Marshall when already feeling down has its pros and cons!”

Another friend of mine who was also having a rough day at her house posted “So I read this and at first read that you watched We Are marshmallow and got really confused. Can you tell I have junk food on my mind? Hope that makes you smile as much as it did me :)”

So here I am…bawling my eyes out and suddenly I am giggling so loud that I am surprised my neighbors weren’t knocking on the walls…again, just what I needed.

The Boyfriend came online and after reading my emails was concerned about me. I told him I was fine (which I will be) and he told me my emails had him worried. I told him it was just a rough stretch and that I would be fine…he said I didn’t sound fine. I promised him it was just a momentary situation and that I would be okay which he acknowledged. He seems to think I am some sort of super woman who can do anything…I’m not, I’m just a mom who misses her boys more than anybody could ever imagine.

By 0100 his time we had caught up (we had been a couple of days with no communication) and he was confident that I was back on the right track…or at least headed there. He’s more support than he realizes. I told him I knew he was never more than an email away. He really is my hero.

My laptop is not yet back in service so please excuse the muddled mess of this post…and thank you.

Where was I

Oh ya…talking the eight year old out of Pepsi for breakfast, I quit my job, The Boyfriend’s deployment was extended, and my laptop was broke.

Well the eight year old is coming home tonight for the weekend and there is still Pepsi in the fridge, I finished work and have taken on the role of early retirement quite well, The Boyfriend is safe, and the laptop is still broke. It is a $5 part on back order (we are talking WEEKS). So although not much has changed, much has happened.

I will break this up into a few different posts and schedule them to post over the next few days so that you don’t have to read them all at once!!

My last week of work strengthened my belief that I was doing exactly the right thing for myself and my kids. I was filled with a renewed sense of hope and love and purpose. My coworkers expressed their sadness at my departure while my boss remained mostly silent (except for asking when I would be able to fill in on a part time basis). He still does not believe I quit and I have heard that he has told several people that I am merely taking a few weeks off and will be returning. One co worker bought an ice cream cake that we shared together (yep, two of us and an ice cream cake). Another coworker hand made me a basket that is absolutely amazing…I will post a picture of it, there is no way to explain the work of art that it is. Another worker brought cupcakes on my last day of which I ate four (ya, it’s ok, you can be jealous, I would be!) When she was leaving work that day she went out to her vehicle and returned with a gift. It is a beautiful jewelry set (necklace and earrings). So amazingly beautiful and thoughtful. I am one lucky woman!!

I don’t think I did ANYTHING productive on my first day off. I did meet with the Lunch Lady on Friday night I think we may have played Bingo…I remember we were at the Eagles Club…I don’t think we played bingo though…funny. Ran into some people I hadn’t seen in a a long time though and met a new woman who I think is going to be my awesomely awesome friend for a VERY long time…but for the life of me I CANNOT seem to find a name that fits her for the blog…her husband (whom I’ve never met is already Soldier Boy as he is a member of the Army National Guard), and one of the guys that we were talking to that night has inherited the name Sausage Man (don’t ask, it’s worse than anything you can imagine!) He used to work with my ex-husband and he and I have always gotten along so well. It was fun to rekindle that friendship that night. He also knows the ‘real’ me. Not the me I turned in to to try to save my marriage, this person knows my parents, has had supper in their home, he knows ME…and likes me anyway!! He and I had a great time catching up.

OH YA…Friday I went and helped the Lunch Lady set up for a rummage sale at the elementary school, it’s an annual event where you can get a table and there are tons of people there with all their stuff. I was bored and offered to help her set up. After we decided to go (with this other lady who is friends with the Lunch Lady) for a drink before heading home. Who knew that sending The Lunch Lady a simple text would forever change my life by introducing me to a woman who is AS crazy (if not more) than myself.  We decided that Saturday we would all get together and play bingo together and have a night out.  Home in bed by 9:30…I know, a late night for me!! The boyfriend was super happy that I had gone out and enjoyed myself. He knows weekends without the boys are difficult and I think he is a little worried about me not filling my time in a good way now that I am not working. They are real concerns, and ones that, come Saturday I even began to have myself.

Saturday morning the boys had sign up for the youth bowling league. Their dad brought them and nearly immediately Bum was in my lap and cuddled up as cuddled as a boy can be…he misses his mama.  Dad was busy in the other room getting them registered while Bubba, their cousin, and their sister (my step daughter) decided to bowl a few games. Bum couldn’t find a proper ball (the alley no longer has 6 lbs balls and he refuses to throw with two hands so an 8 lbs ball is a bit much for him. This started a pout…back on mama’s knee and curled up in a ball. Then Dad came out to where we all were. Bum and I were discussing going shopping just to get out of there for a little while and that immediately went out the window when Dad was back in sight. When Dad is around, he is different. it is heartbreaking. He now wants nothing to do with me. Instead of making things worse I tell Bubba that I will talk to him later and that I have some things to do and give hugs and kisses. I give Bum a big hug and tell him how much I love him. “How much Mom?” …More than mushroom soup…

I went home, and pouted…he doesn’t act like that when he is on my time, only when he is on dad’s time. When he is on my time if we run into dad, he has no problem showing love to both of us…when he is on dad’s time it’s like he has to choose, and it’s so sad to watch. I vented to The Boyfriend for a little while and then posted “Off the grid for the day, some days are just that hard, please do not disturb” as my Facebook status. My heart was hurting and I was going to let it.

Well, apparently the Lunch Lady missed that post and the ‘new girl’ didn’t know (or care) what I was doing, I got a text later saying to get my ass to bingo (in ALL CAPS). It was from the new girl. I asked if I was allowed to shower first and was told yes.

BEST DECISION EVER (no, not showering, going out). I was the designated driver and we played bingo in two different locations and then visited two other bars before getting home AT 1:30 AM!! I don’t even remember the last time I stayed out that late!

A few days later I saw something that said something to the effect that missing somebody when you are lonely was easy, it really means something when you miss them even when you are having a good time. At the second bar I had wi-fi access and spend a good deal of time chatting with the Boyfriend. The best of both worlds…it was like he was right there with me.

I am at the public library writing this and computer usage is limited to one hour so I will end this post here. I have seven minutes left…

The boys and I will be at the library tomorrow so I can post while they do their thing. Take Care everybody…the story only gets better from here!!

Frustrated

Image

Left Shoulder B2

I pick up the boys today…it’s my weekend. The transition starts out smoothly and then Mr. Ex says, “I’m guessing when I put sunscreen on B2 the wind caused his shirt to cover his shoulders, he got a minor sunburn and he may have scratched it so there are some scabs..”

The last time I checked, second degree burns were NOT considered minor…photos have been forwarded to my attorney.

Twenty Nine Hours

It’s been 28 hours since the boys left. It was so weird to watch the transition. B2 had actually gone outside to get something out of the van. As he walked outside I got a text, “We are outside” meaning Mr. Ex and grandma were here. I walked out with B1, my arm around his shoulders. B2 came back in to the hallway saying he saw Grandma’s car outside. Not one bit of excitement, not the, “MOM, DAD’S HERE!!!” I expected. So, we go outside and there is Dad…not even a little bit focused on the kids…he is around the car and getting meds ready to administer to his mother.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? You have not seen your children in TWENTY SIX DAYS and you cannot even focus TWO MINUTES on saying hello and giving hugs?? NOT ONE HUG…NOT ONE ounce of excitement…just a simple, “Get your things…but not all your things because we don’t have room for all your things and let’s go.”

I got the boys buckled in and B2 starts hugging me hard,

B2: I’ll miss you mom.

Me: I know hun, but you can call me later.

B2: Only if Dad lets me use his phone.

Me: I know hun, but you can text me too if you want.

B2: Oh ya, I forgot.

Me: Ok Bum, I love you more than Signing Time Videos

B2: I love you more than peanut butter and Nutella Sandwhiches

Being that he has lived on those for the previous two days I’d say he thinks pretty highly of me 🙂

B1’s conversation was much more telling of the relationship their father has damaged:

B1: See ya mom, we come back on Friday, right?

Me: Yes Buddy, and you can still call and stuff.

B1: What day is it today?

Me: It’s Friday.

B1: Dad, when we get home can I go visit Z (his friend) he should be at work with his mom until 6:30.

Dad: No, we are busy.

B1: Why can’t I go see Z if you are busy, then I can be not in your way.

Dad (now angry): I said no, end of story.

B1 *shrugs*: Love you mom, see you Friday.

I had a quick breakdown when they left and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t sleep long, but at least I slept. I felt a little better when I woke up. As tough as it was, the exchange was reassuring that Mr. Ex has not learned even a little bit how to deal with the boys. They will sense this. I know my boys will know my love for them…as I’ve said before, my actions outweigh his words.

It was only a couple of hours later I got a phone call:

B1: Hey Mom, are you busy?

Me: No, why? Are you guys coming back to town?

B1: No, Dad says he’s spent too much time in a vehicle today so he’s not going back there now. Can you bring me my DS?

Me: Your DS…you want me to drive to bring you your DS?

B1: Ya, I borrowed a game from T and want to play it.

Me: Why don’t you go play with Z or you’ve got the Wii, X-box, and PS2 to play there, you can live without this one DS game.

B1: Ya, okay. Bye Mom.

Me: Bye Buddy. Love you

B1: Me too.

When they left here initially, Mr. Ex had told them he needed to come back to town later in the day to do some things. They could get their bikes and the rest of their things. As is common…he didn’t follow through.

Within Two hours I started recieving texts from Mr. Ex’s phone: gesoshd;adfhadf shdfhadfuiladfdlfjkdfaduhf;

To which I replied, “Hi B2.”

This is how he texts me. We texted like this back and forth for a good ten minutes.

When I later told my friend about the text I said that was B2 texting me…he said, yep, I would have guessed the same thing.” (B2 always insists on sending him messages when we talk via Yahoo.)

These same texts started again at 8:24 am today. I actually fell asleep texting him…I didn’t sleep worth shit last night and was just falling to sleep when he started. I’m going to hate it when he learns to spell!! These texts are much too cute to grow out of.

At 11:30 Mr. Ex texted me saying he was on his way to town and could he stop to pick up the rest of the boys belongings. I told him I was not home and would be gone until after dark. I am tired of him thinking that everybody’s schedules run around his life. There is no reason he couldn’t have called and set up a time or asked if I was going to be around.

He then sent a text asking if B1’s bike was outside. I told him to ask B1 and that I didn’t think so. I haven’t heard anything since…I was sort of expecting a “are you home now, I see your van is in here.” I was going to tell him that I was out with a friend.

So…29 hours and I’m doing okay. My kids are awesome…they are strong, they seems to be fighting back…and expecting to be heard…WOO HOO.

Thank you to The Friend and Her Husband for both texting me within minutes of me posting that the boys were gone…and checking to make sure I was okay.

Thanks to the person I appologized to yesterday who sent me an email saying my appology was very touching (apparently he DOES read them). He’s amazing…one day I’ll tell you all about him. I couldn’t have a better friend right now to kick my ass and hold my hand (ya, he does both).

Today I caught up on some sleep and then paid bills and now am still just chilling…church tomorrow will bring me much comfort. It will be my step back into life. Until then I am honoring my heart, my grief.

Love you Bubba and Bum…see you on Friday XOXO

The Last Supper

Ok, maybe I’m being a little overly dramatic…I mean they will be back next weekend. Realistically I know they need to see their dad, they need to see that their grandma is okay. Looking at the statistics, her five-year survival rate is about 20%. Knowing what I do about the situation and her self-care to this point, I think that number is high.

I am confident that my boys have learned some very valuable lessons in the last month. One that they will struggle with when they go home is financial priorities. Instead of ‘we can’t afford it’ for everything (their dad’s go-to answer for anything that is not his top priority) we look at the budget and we make a plan.

The boys and I take an annual trip to Minneapolis for three or four days of awesomeness. We are not sure if we can take it this year. A lot of our financial decisions right now hinge on what the judge has to say on Tuesday. The original reason for us going back to court is Mr. Ex is asking to the judge to amend the order that says he is to pay me $500.00 in spousal support. This opened the door for us to ask for to amend the custody and visitation. If nothing changes, and he is still required to pay me the spousal support, he is already nearly $2000.00 behind. Although I understand this won’t be paid in a lump sum, it will allow me some security knowing my savings can be built back up fairly quickly.

So for now, our trip is off and that’s okay. Everybody has to make sacrifices during divorce. Maybe instead of Minneapolis we can save up and go somewhere else…the possibilities are nearly endless. Our financial future is okay. We will have many more trips, many more experiences. Money can’t buy happiness…but it sure buys nice shoes and pretty jewlery.

Unexpectedly having the boys for a month with no financial support has drained what little savings I had left after spending my first month out of the house living in a hotel, then paying the damage deposit for the apartment and the utility deposit. I am seriously considering cutting off the cable and internet at home just to save the $90 and build my savings up even faster. Not having a financial safety net is very difficult for me. I crave that security of knowing I can get through a crisis such as the one I just faced. If the tables had been turned on Mr. Ex, it would have destroyed him. I can’t live with that uncertainty…did I mention I will need new tires on my vehicle by winter? lol

With them going home (Friday now is the day) I am going to see if I can work some double shifts next week to make up for some of the hours I missed this week plus I have to miss Tuesday for the court hearing. I would like to have at least 40 hours on my paycheck. The paycheck I get tomorrow will cover all my fixed expenses for July. Maybe I will even work Sunday afternoon…we will see. I need to just spend some time taking care of myself as well.

Did I mention I could really use a manicure and pedicure, a full body massage, and a sugar scrub? Yes, some regular pampering is what I need.  I know once life is settled down a bit I will make time in my schedule and room in the budget for these things, because I enjoy them. Maybe…if I’m lucky…my boyfriend will just start buying me gift certificates for such things 😉 haha

All Good

I have the boys with me this week for an unknown amount of time. Their father has put their needs on the back burner (again) to take care of somebody else in a situation that was not critical for him to be the one to take care of it.

He is with his mother at the Mayo Clinic as she has some tests done regarding her cancer diagnosis. While I understand him wanting to be there, and her wanting him there, it was not necessary for it to be him. Given his situation, you would think that these people (he and her) could have figured something else out. His brother does not have kids  who live with him and has a job that is union. He can afford the time off and could likely even use FMLA. A friend of hers also went down with her…the kids’ dad is just window dressing…

The issue I have with all of this is that it leaves the boys ‘up in the air’ as far as how long he’ll be gone, what’s going on, etc. Sure they are happy to be with me, and I am THRILLED to have them. Why did he even want custody in the first place if he is just going to continue to live as if I am down the hall? Guess what…a single parent CAN’T just up and leave whenever they want.

Besides that, these kids need the security of a schedule, and a time table. He’s been refusing to even address Boy 1 when it comes to summer visitation (Boy 1 wants alternating weeks) but he can dump them for an undetermined amount of time…and then what, with no notice come back and get them? This up coming weekend is my scheduled weekend so I want the boys just to stay until Sunday evening (when they would normally go back). At first this sounded like a good plan, then last night he informs me that she may have appointments into next week.

Just give me my boys and go on with your life…I don’t care about the house…stay in the damn house…it’s all you ever wanted anyway. He’s more than proven he has no desire to parent these kids.

I’ll jump off my soap box for now…but I am far from finished…

The boys are doing wonderfully at the apartment. They are going to bed like champs and waking up and getting going without any trouble at all. During the day this week they spend it at my friend’s home as she is not working this summer and is home with her three boys (and half the neighborhood-whether they are invited or not) so heck, what’s two more rambunctious boys…I can never thank her enough!!

Boy 2 apparently ate her out of house and home yesterday…I said that’s kinda what he does…he eats…and eats…and eats.

Did you know you never realize how much you miss having a microwave…until you DON’T HAVE ONE. Even for simple things like instant oatmeal…having to boil water on the stove (no kettle either). I guess the boys and I are just practicing our ‘primitive’ living skills for our upcoming season of camping…well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it, at least until I get a microwave and I can then hail all things microwavable…it’s the simple things in life!

My Monday

I know, I know…it’s Tuesday, for me though, I had a wonderful long weekend and today is my Monday at work. 

I picked up the boys on Friday after work and took them with me to the psychologists office. I didn’t have much to report for myself, but I did want her to touch base with the boys a little as they haven’t seen her since I moved out. It was a great opportunity for Boy 1 to discuss his wants for summer visitation and his ‘back-up plan’ if dad does not agree to his proposal. He hasn’t thought that far ahead, as he just doesn’t see why dad shouldn’t agree…well, now he sees that it is a possibility, and it wasn’t me who brought it up that dad may not go for it. I do everything I can to keep myself out of his issues with Dad…they are his issues and dad issues, they are not mine.

I know, I could tell him that yes, he’s right, his dad would be unreasonable to not agree to his proposal, and that he should be angry that his dad won’t give him a straight up answer and keeps blowing him off when he brings up summer visitation.

Side note for my Canadian friends…my kids are done school this week, we have three months of summer vacation, so he is ‘running out of time’ for making plans. Yes, we have all summer to deal with, but from the perspective of an 8 year old, he needs (and deserves) answers now.

I refuse to make his dad the bad guy. In my heart of hearts, I believe he is a bad guy, but that is for Boy 1 to figure out all on his own. Unfortunately he will see his dad for what he is, a calculating, manipulative uncaring, sick man…until then, he is all he has…

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The church that the boys and I, along with my best friend and her middle son, attend has a fun night every Sunday throughout the summer at a local park. This last Sunday was the first of the year. I was so glad to have the boys this weekend as usually they would be gone back to dad’s by then. 

I took the boys to this fun night. We had a blast. Watching Boy 1 play catch with a man who came without his wife and kids…he was teaching Boy one how to run and catch a football. It was heartwarming and sad at the same time. These boys ache for male affection. 

I’m not saying their dad doesn’t love them, I believe with my entire heart, that he does…in his own way. Unfortunately, that way does not reach the hearts of my boys. My boys crave to be taught, led, guided, enriched, challenged…he does not offer that. He offers baseball in the front yard and NASCAR on the couch. I am impressed that he is lately taken to watching hockey with Boy 2. This child LIVES for hockey…breathes, sleeps and eats hockey…has never owned a pair of skates. As a Canadian…this is blasphemy, I know! He’s five, he should have at the very least been on a team last year, if not the year before. He WILL own skates, and even take skating lessons this year at the very least. As I am not sure what the living arrangements will be, it may possible to get him on a hockey team…I’m not yet sure. 

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Talk about a rambling post…I need to take time to focus more when I post…and stop trying to post when I am at work. For those who read this blog, you deserve much more than I am currently putting forth. Your time is valuable and I need to at least make it worth your while to stop over here.